From The Archive
Excerpt
No. 10  September 1997

Goblins’ List

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The following list is a menu of proposed and completed projects that The Goblins, a masked musical group, provides to record labels interested in working with them. The superiority of this method, as opposed to the traditional “demo tape,” should be clear. The Goblins would like to assure readers that the list is not a joke, and that they are serious about every single concept listed.

Items marked with “X” are already committed.

GOBLIN PRIDE (CD, 10″ vinyl) A positivity themed album. “Living On Goblin Time,” “C-U-T-T-L-A-S-S,” “(The Police Are) Just Doing Their Job,” “Just Be Yourself,” “Special Reach,” “Giant Robot Rock’n’Roll,” “Mr. Beef,” “Worst Brother Ever,” “Selena,” “The Goblin Rider,” “Goblin Girl.” Cover art by Alex Wald. (X)

SUMMER IN THE HOOD (7″ vinyl) Summer EP. “Bring Back The Summer Alive,” “Holy Ride,” “Giant Robot Rock & Roll” (Hot Summer Drums n’ Bass Remix). (X)

G.O.K. [GOBLINS ON KAMPUS] (CD EP or 12″ EP) A collection of raunchy songs and blue jokes recorded live betore a raucous college audience. Reminiscent of Snatch and the Poontangs and Doug Clark and the Hot Nuts albums. Features no profanity! “Rock and Roll Hedgehog,” “Secrets of A Married Man (Shatner Sex),” “Panty Raid,” more.

GOBLIN VS. GOBLIN (Double 7″, triple gatefold cover) Each side is a solo record actually played entirely by each individual Goblin (unlike other bands’ “solo” projects, where each member conducts pick up musicians). Listeners voting for their favorite side will determine the new leader of the Goblins. “The Phantom Creeper Meal Ticket,” “Gayngels,” “Take It To The Hoop/Fourth and Inches/Hat Trick,” “Goblin Gate” (X)

“GAYNGELS” b/w “AVENGING GAYNGELS” 12″ (12″ vinyl) Dance club mixes.

“CASTLE OF FREAKS” b/w “WE’RE A WINNER” (7″ vinyl) Fan-club-only single. (X)

CHIPS, MONKS AND CHIPMUNKS (7″ vinyl) Tributes to three of the Goblins’ favorite artists. A cover of the Shadows of Knight’s “Potato Chip,” featuring a cameo by of Durty Goblin on harp (Ol’ Durty was in the ’60s Garage band Durty Wurds), and a Monks cover comprise side A. Side B is a medley of Goblins hits played as one song, à la The Ramones in “Rock’n’Roll High School,” sped up to Chipmunk voice speed.

NIGHT ROCKERS (7″ vinyl) European release of Garage songs based on the career of David Hasselhoff. “Night Rocker,” “Night Rider,” “Night Rescue,” “Night Kostabi” (instrumental). Cover art by Darren Merrinuk. (X)

STONE AND BUN (7″ or CD EP) New songs based on misheard lyrics. Includes “Dirty Gene and the Thunder Chief,” “Chug-A-Lug, The Strawberry Man Is Making Me Crazy,” more.

GIANT ROBOT EP (7″ vinyl) “Giant Robot Rock’n’Roll,” “Chic-A-GoGo,” “Creepy Porno Guy”. (X)

BIGELOW ASSORTED TEAS (7″ vinyl) Acoustic coffeehouse songs based on tea flavors. “Constant Comment,” “Earl Grey,” “Lemon Lift,” “Cinnamon Stick”.

331/3 GOODWOODSMAN LANE (CD, LP) “Goblin Time Bomb,” “Night Nurse,” “Riding On My Ninja,” “Crank Me,” “Monkey Chow,” “Piranhas,” “Sump’ n Frickin’ Crazy,” “Carmen,” “Millennium,” “Lucky Pierre,” “Blue Don’t Boogie,” “This Beat Is Out of Control (bonus beats),” more. (X)

BUHTRONICS/EMPTY ROOM FULL OF BLUES (EP) The first piece is guitarist Buh Zombie’s solo journey through shifting, mutated, mangled, musical and nonmusical passageways of treated guitar. In the second piece Buh reads his stories (or fairy tales, as he calls them), over naturally altered and molested Goblins’ tracks and “found” sounds and narratives.

OTHER VOICES (CD, LP) The exact same concept and album art as The Doors “Other Voices,” though the death of the lead singer will be merely imagined in this case.

HEALTHY MEALTHY (7″ vinyl) A health-centric EP. The A-side features ”Healthy Mealthy” and “Yoga Party” and the B-side features “Goblercize,” an exercise regimen record for our fans.

“GOBLIN MAMBO” b/w “GOBLIN FOXTROT” (78 RPM 10″) This archival quality 78 RPM will feature beautiful label art and heavy vinyl. (X)

THE GOBLINS MODERN WEDDING ALBUM (LP, CD) This features songs for and about weddings and marriages of this era, which exist despite what the “government” defines as marriage. Songs include “Hawaiian Honeymoon” (about same-sex marriage, two versions), “The Littlest Ring Bearer” (about a couple who lives for years happily out of wedlock and, after having a child, decides to get married; their own baby becomes the title character), “No Strippers, Please” (a song pleading for less degrading, more gender-neutral bachelor/bachelorette parties), “They Don’t Understand” (too controversial to explain here), “Dog Wedding” (instrumental), and “Today I Marry My Friend.” It will also include a special dance track designed for a gay exotic dancer to perform to at a same-sex bachelor party. (X)

WANT LIST (one sided, white label promo only, numbered, mono 7″) Based on our song “CUTTLASS,” a tune about each Goblin’s most coveted, sought-after record. This will appeal to record collectors. (X)

PURE CLASS (7″ Vinyl) Beau Grumpus, the artistic Goblin, leaves his brethren at the Joke Shop with this solo work. Side A is a cover of Elvis’ “Vino, Dinero y Amor”, and the B-side features Beau reading a chapter from his book on etiquette.

THE GOBLINS HA HA HANUKAH COMEDY/VARIETY SPECIAL ORIGINAL SOUNDTRACK (cassette) This is a soundtrack to our holiday special. “Ha Ha Hanukah,” “Turtle Soup,” “Paranoid,” “Anarchy In the U.K.” (Goblins), “Get Your Mom Some Pie for Hanukah” (John Darnielle), “Calypso Draydel,” “Prayer Over The Candles” (cast). Cover art by Heather McAdams. (X)

GOBLIN KIDS (Cassette or CD EP, possibly a CD-ROM w/ animation) Much like Muppet Babies, little Archie or Flintstone Kids, this project presents child versions of The Goblins in a way kids (and kids at heart) will be attracted to. Tape speed manipulation and joyful Bubblegum pop sensibilities will abound.

THEY CAN’T ALL BE GEMS–The Worst Of The Goblins (3″ Vinyl) This record of failed projects and live songs that were instantly dropped from the set will appear on the virtually unplayable format of untrimmed 12″ vinyl, meaning that the jagged excess vinyl haloing each individual pressing will remain attached. There will be little loss to the listener who is unable to get his turntable to adapt to, among others, the losers “A-M-E-R-I-C-A,” “Ground Zero,” “Well Baby,” and the Goblins’ sour-sung, ill-concieved foray into Doo Wop, “The Clown Is Getting Married.”

(IMAGINE) FUCK THE BIBLE (EP) Though as a rule The Goblins do not curse on their records, an exception is made (in the title only, no profanity on the recording) in this case, as the Goblins address those closed-minded soldiers on the evil side of the Culture War, who would censor and control art and expression (are you listening Wal-Mart?!?). Of course, they are not saying “fuck the Bible,” only to imagine it. They are asking you to think! (X)

MISCHIEF NIGHTS (8-Track tape) Retrospective of early Goblin songs. (X)

GOBLEARN instructional three-sided single (7″ with two separate grooves on B-side) The A-side will feature a “learn to play guitar the Goblin way”/Music Minus One lesson. The cover/book will feature tablature and the record will have all but the guitar part on it. The B-side will feature a CO-STAR dramatic scene featuring the Goblins and you! The blank spaces in the scene can be filled by the listener reading along with the script in the book as he/she hones his/her acting skills. On a separate groove will be an instructional ventriloquism lesson from Dom Nation.

CHANGE THE CHILDREN (7″ vinyl, CD EP) The Goblins lead a cast of celebrity guests and tribute artists in this positive “We Are The World” type record, which won’t so much raise money as raise awareness of the problems of the world.

BAD INFLUENCE (CD, LP) The Goblins play Devil’s Advocate here by performing songs promoting all the “wrong” values. Songs include “Crank Me, Yank Me, Give Me Crystal Meth,” “Too Skinny (There’s No Such Thing As),” “Everybody’s Doing It,” “#1 Fan” (a song that addresses the fan’s place in the so called “Great Concert In The Sky” with Jimi, Janis, Kurt, etc … and how to get there!), “Sloth Is Boss,” “Can’t Drive At 55” (cover), more.

“HE Is My Rock, Will You Be My Roll?” (7″ vinyl) In this solo work, bassist Dom Nation, in response to the crass commercial Christian Rock of this era, returns to the glory days of the seventies God Rock movement. Have Faith … that this record will rock your earthly world!

subGOBLINS (7″ vinyl) On one side the Goblins drop their singer to perform the H/C classics they cut their teeth on. On the flip the lead singer conducts a pick up band on a song the other Goblins rejected, “Imitation Of Life,” his attempt to musically do for cinematic melodramas what The Misfits did for horror films. (X)

SKANILINGUS/SKINILINGUS (7″ vinyl) In this project, the Goblins Ska-playing alter-egos, Skanilingus take you through a tour of historical Ska classics with their composition entitled “Hooked On Ska-nics.” Get ready to skank! On the flip, the Goblins attempt to bring violence back into the scene in their Oi personas.

THE GOBLINS BOOKMOBILE (CD EP, Vinyl EP, Cassette) Musical interpretations of the world’s great literature. A Cliff’s Notes for the Post-MTV Generation. Includes “The Bell Jar,” “Tropic Of Cancer,” and a yet to be determined Turow novel. The cassette version can be marketed alongside Books On Tape.

“MAD AS HELL” b/w STAND UP YOU GOBLINS!” (7″ vinyl) The A-side is a musical tribute to that master of comedic mayhem, Gallagher. On the B-side, each Goblin tries his respective hand at one minute of original observational stand-up comedy material.

YE GOBLINS SEX SHOPPE (Large hole 9″ vinyl) A tasteful exploration into erotic Goblins themes. “Sex Mensch,” “Bicurious?,” “Creepy Porno Guy (Orgasm Remix),” the title track and more. Though it was not originally intended, it has been pointed out by the production designer that this record’s large hole and suggestive label art may cause some male fans to mistake this for a functional “marital aid.”

Compilation tracks: “Bread and Butter,” “I’m Gonna Make You Mine,” “Mr. Beefjangles,” “My Mother The Car”(X), “Lucky Star” (X), “Oh How To Do Now,”(X) “Bull Run” (X)

The Goblins are interested in working in these formats: Picture disc, reel to reel, 5″ vinyl, 6″ vinyl, 8″ vinyl, 9″ vinyl, 11″ vinyl, CD3, longbox CD, pop up gatefold 7″, comic book and record set with beeps, backward-groove record, Scratch-and-Sniff sleeve, You-Build-It perforated model or mobile kit sleeve.

The following list is a menu of proposed and completed projects that The Goblins, a masked musical group, provides to record labels interested in working with them. The superiority of this method, as opposed to the traditional “demo tape,” should be clear. The Goblins would like to assure readers that the list is not a joke, and that they are serious about every single concept listed.

Items marked with “X” are already committed.

GOBLIN PRIDE (CD, 10″ vinyl) A positivity themed album. “Living On Goblin Time,” “C-U-T-T-L-A-S-S,” “(The Police Are) Just Doing Their Job,” “Just Be Yourself,” “Special Reach,” “Giant Robot Rock’n’Roll,” “Mr. Beef,” “Worst Brother Ever,” “Selena,” “The Goblin Rider,” “Goblin Girl.” Cover art by Alex Wald. (X)

SUMMER IN THE HOOD (7″ vinyl) Summer EP. “Bring Back The Summer Alive,” “Holy Ride,” “Giant Robot Rock & Roll” (Hot Summer Drums n’ Bass Remix). (X)

G.O.K. [GOBLINS ON KAMPUS] (CD EP or 12″ EP) A collection of raunchy songs and blue jokes recorded live betore a raucous college audience. Reminiscent of Snatch and the Poontangs and Doug Clark and the Hot Nuts albums. Features no profanity! “Rock and Roll Hedgehog,” “Secrets of A Married Man (Shatner Sex),” “Panty Raid,” more.

GOBLIN VS. GOBLIN (Double 7″, triple gatefold cover) Each side is a solo record actually played entirely by each individual Goblin (unlike other bands’ “solo” projects, where each member conducts pick up musicians). Listeners voting for their favorite side will determine the new leader of the Goblins. “The Phantom Creeper Meal Ticket,” “Gayngels,” “Take It To The Hoop/Fourth and Inches/Hat Trick,” “Goblin Gate” (X)

“GAYNGELS” b/w “AVENGING GAYNGELS” 12″ (12″ vinyl) Dance club mixes.

“CASTLE OF FREAKS” b/w “WE’RE A WINNER” (7″ vinyl) Fan-club-only single. (X)

CHIPS, MONKS AND CHIPMUNKS (7″ vinyl) Tributes to three of the Goblins’ favorite artists. A cover of the Shadows of Knight’s “Potato Chip,” featuring a cameo by of Durty Goblin on harp (Ol’ Durty was in the ’60s Garage band Durty Wurds), and a Monks cover comprise side A. Side B is a medley of Goblins hits played as one song, à la The Ramones in “Rock’n’Roll High School,” sped up to Chipmunk voice speed.

NIGHT ROCKERS (7″ vinyl) European release of Garage songs based on the career of David Hasselhoff. “Night Rocker,” “Night Rider,” “Night Rescue,” “Night Kostabi” (instrumental). Cover art by Darren Merrinuk. (X)

STONE AND BUN (7″ or CD EP) New songs based on misheard lyrics. Includes “Dirty Gene and the Thunder Chief,” “Chug-A-Lug, The Strawberry Man Is Making Me Crazy,” more.

GIANT ROBOT EP (7″ vinyl) “Giant Robot Rock’n’Roll,” “Chic-A-GoGo,” “Creepy Porno Guy”. (X)

BIGELOW ASSORTED TEAS (7″ vinyl) Acoustic coffeehouse songs based on tea flavors. “Constant Comment,” “Earl Grey,” “Lemon Lift,” “Cinnamon Stick”.

331/3 GOODWOODSMAN LANE (CD, LP) “Goblin Time Bomb,” “Night Nurse,” “Riding On My Ninja,” “Crank Me,” “Monkey Chow,” “Piranhas,” “Sump’ n Frickin’ Crazy,” “Carmen,” “Millennium,” “Lucky Pierre,” “Blue Don’t Boogie,” “This Beat Is Out of Control (bonus beats),” more. (X)

BUHTRONICS/EMPTY ROOM FULL OF BLUES (EP) The first piece is guitarist Buh Zombie’s solo journey through shifting, mutated, mangled, musical and nonmusical passageways of treated guitar. In the second piece Buh reads his stories (or fairy tales, as he calls them), over naturally altered and molested Goblins’ tracks and “found” sounds and narratives.

OTHER VOICES (CD, LP) The exact same concept and album art as The Doors “Other Voices,” though the death of the lead singer will be merely imagined in this case.

HEALTHY MEALTHY (7″ vinyl) A health-centric EP. The A-side features ”Healthy Mealthy” and “Yoga Party” and the B-side features “Goblercize,” an exercise regimen record for our fans.

“GOBLIN MAMBO” b/w “GOBLIN FOXTROT” (78 RPM 10″) This archival quality 78 RPM will feature beautiful label art and heavy vinyl. (X)

THE GOBLINS MODERN WEDDING ALBUM (LP, CD) This features songs for and about weddings and marriages of this era, which exist despite what the “government” defines as marriage. Songs include “Hawaiian Honeymoon” (about same-sex marriage, two versions), “The Littlest Ring Bearer” (about a couple who lives for years happily out of wedlock and, after having a child, decides to get married; their own baby becomes the title character), “No Strippers, Please” (a song pleading for less degrading, more gender-neutral bachelor/bachelorette parties), “They Don’t Understand” (too controversial to explain here), “Dog Wedding” (instrumental), and “Today I Marry My Friend.” It will also include a special dance track designed for a gay exotic dancer to perform to at a same-sex bachelor party. (X)

WANT LIST (one sided, white label promo only, numbered, mono 7″) Based on our song “CUTTLASS,” a tune about each Goblin’s most coveted, sought-after record. This will appeal to record collectors. (X)

PURE CLASS (7″ Vinyl) Beau Grumpus, the artistic Goblin, leaves his brethren at the Joke Shop with this solo work. Side A is a cover of Elvis’ “Vino, Dinero y Amor”, and the B-side features Beau reading a chapter from his book on etiquette.

THE GOBLINS HA HA HANUKAH COMEDY/VARIETY SPECIAL ORIGINAL SOUNDTRACK (cassette) This is a soundtrack to our holiday special. “Ha Ha Hanukah,” “Turtle Soup,” “Paranoid,” “Anarchy In the U.K.” (Goblins), “Get Your Mom Some Pie for Hanukah” (John Darnielle), “Calypso Draydel,” “Prayer Over The Candles” (cast). Cover art by Heather McAdams. (X)

GOBLIN KIDS (Cassette or CD EP, possibly a CD-ROM w/ animation) Much like Muppet Babies, little Archie or Flintstone Kids, this project presents child versions of The Goblins in a way kids (and kids at heart) will be attracted to. Tape speed manipulation and joyful Bubblegum pop sensibilities will abound.

THEY CAN’T ALL BE GEMS–The Worst Of The Goblins (3″ Vinyl) This record of failed projects and live songs that were instantly dropped from the set will appear on the virtually unplayable format of untrimmed 12″ vinyl, meaning that the jagged excess vinyl haloing each individual pressing will remain attached. There will be little loss to the listener who is unable to get his turntable to adapt to, among others, the losers “A-M-E-R-I-C-A,” “Ground Zero,” “Well Baby,” and the Goblins’ sour-sung, ill-concieved foray into Doo Wop, “The Clown Is Getting Married.”

(IMAGINE) FUCK THE BIBLE (EP) Though as a rule The Goblins do not curse on their records, an exception is made (in the title only, no profanity on the recording) in this case, as the Goblins address those closed-minded soldiers on the evil side of the Culture War, who would censor and control art and expression (are you listening Wal-Mart?!?). Of course, they are not saying “fuck the Bible,” only to imagine it. They are asking you to think! (X)

MISCHIEF NIGHTS (8-Track tape) Retrospective of early Goblin songs. (X)

GOBLEARN instructional three-sided single (7″ with two separate grooves on B-side) The A-side will feature a “learn to play guitar the Goblin way”/Music Minus One lesson. The cover/book will feature tablature and the record will have all but the guitar part on it. The B-side will feature a CO-STAR dramatic scene featuring the Goblins and you! The blank spaces in the scene can be filled by the listener reading along with the script in the book as he/she hones his/her acting skills. On a separate groove will be an instructional ventriloquism lesson from Dom Nation.

CHANGE THE CHILDREN (7″ vinyl, CD EP) The Goblins lead a cast of celebrity guests and tribute artists in this positive “We Are The World” type record, which won’t so much raise money as raise awareness of the problems of the world.

BAD INFLUENCE (CD, LP) The Goblins play Devil’s Advocate here by performing songs promoting all the “wrong” values. Songs include “Crank Me, Yank Me, Give Me Crystal Meth,” “Too Skinny (There’s No Such Thing As),” “Everybody’s Doing It,” “#1 Fan” (a song that addresses the fan’s place in the so called “Great Concert In The Sky” with Jimi, Janis, Kurt, etc … and how to get there!), “Sloth Is Boss,” “Can’t Drive At 55” (cover), more.

“HE Is My Rock, Will You Be My Roll?” (7″ vinyl) In this solo work, bassist Dom Nation, in response to the crass commercial Christian Rock of this era, returns to the glory days of the seventies God Rock movement. Have Faith … that this record will rock your earthly world!

subGOBLINS (7″ vinyl) On one side the Goblins drop their singer to perform the H/C classics they cut their teeth on. On the flip the lead singer conducts a pick up band on a song the other Goblins rejected, “Imitation Of Life,” his attempt to musically do for cinematic melodramas what The Misfits did for horror films. (X)

SKANILINGUS/SKINILINGUS (7″ vinyl) In this project, the Goblins Ska-playing alter-egos, Skanilingus take you through a tour of historical Ska classics with their composition entitled “Hooked On Ska-nics.” Get ready to skank! On the flip, the Goblins attempt to bring violence back into the scene in their Oi personas.

THE GOBLINS BOOKMOBILE (CD EP, Vinyl EP, Cassette) Musical interpretations of the world’s great literature. A Cliff’s Notes for the Post-MTV Generation. Includes “The Bell Jar,” “Tropic Of Cancer,” and a yet to be determined Turow novel. The cassette version can be marketed alongside Books On Tape.

“MAD AS HELL” b/w STAND UP YOU GOBLINS!” (7″ vinyl) The A-side is a musical tribute to that master of comedic mayhem, Gallagher. On the B-side, each Goblin tries his respective hand at one minute of original observational stand-up comedy material.

YE GOBLINS SEX SHOPPE (Large hole 9″ vinyl) A tasteful exploration into erotic Goblins themes. “Sex Mensch,” “Bicurious?,” “Creepy Porno Guy (Orgasm Remix),” the title track and more. Though it was not originally intended, it has been pointed out by the production designer that this record’s large hole and suggestive label art may cause some male fans to mistake this for a functional “marital aid.”

Compilation tracks: “Bread and Butter,” “I’m Gonna Make You Mine,” “Mr. Beefjangles,” “My Mother The Car”(X), “Lucky Star” (X), “Oh How To Do Now,”(X) “Bull Run” (X)

The Goblins are interested in working in these formats: Picture disc, reel to reel, 5″ vinyl, 6″ vinyl, 8″ vinyl, 9″ vinyl, 11″ vinyl, CD3, longbox CD, pop up gatefold 7″, comic book and record set with beeps, backward-groove record, Scratch-and-Sniff sleeve, You-Build-It perforated model or mobile kit sleeve.

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