Though unmoored and fearful in spirit,
you, trembling investor,
rather than ourselves or our affiliates,
will incur the bulk of the risk
the bulk of the punishment.
The value of your investments may fluctuate
as psychotics’ moods do
If you meet minimum suitability requirements
if your miracle bar lifts your assets’ value
if our strategic partners emerge from the loving embrace of their regulators
you may then be eligible . . .
though there is no guarantee of any level of return on your investment
no assurance your entire investment will not be lost
or that it won’t ultimately fund some hand’s hunger for scepter or weapon
We trust you have read:
the Trading with the Enemy Act
the Sad Proxy Documents
the Alternative Realities Declaration
the Specially Designated Global Terrorist Checklist
the Multiple Minds of God Adjustments
the Foreign Narcotic$ Kingpin De$ignation
and the Unacceptable, Sweaty, Crestfallen Investor
Dialectic—
Right now, nobody has reliable data in any of these fields, so
we can provide no assurances
based on current expectations, plans, estimates, projections, or fuzzy
globular masses of feeling which represent incompletely processed and more or less
melted childhood dreams and beliefs
provided by blinkered individuals beyond our control
who may splatter your lap with liquidity events
We may not be able to raise substantial funds
without feasting on
portion controlled steaks daily
as well as full-bodied single malt scotches
with rose-gold highlights
the costs of which would be passed along to you
Our officers face significant conflicts of interests as the drug wears off
This is considered a “blind pool” offering. Therefore, you may see flashes of orange and yellow when tired. The corners of your eyes may fill with a milky discharge. You may see pulsating bars in your peripheral vision at times, especially when there are sudden changes in illumination and thus you may not be able to adequately evaluate our ability to achieve investment objectives
If your reality is so vibrant and exciting, fool
if you’re so almighty high-minded,
then simply give your wealth away
for the purposes of this document, the words “we,” “us,”
and the phrase “ourselves or our affiliates”
refer to the lives of the pious
for whom all things turn out for the best
certain categories of purchasers
who take an unscheduled doze at a crucial moment
will incur hefty exit fees