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Though unmoored and fearful in spirit,

    you, trembling investor,

        rather than ourselves or our affiliates,

            will incur the bulk of the risk

                the bulk of the punishment.

 

The value of your investments may fluctuate

    as psychotics’ moods do

 

If you meet minimum suitability requirements

    if your miracle bar lifts your assets’ value

      if our strategic partners emerge from the loving embrace of their regulators

 

            you may then be eligible . . .

 

though there is no guarantee of any level of return on your investment

    no assurance your entire investment will not be lost

      or that it won’t ultimately fund some hand’s hunger for scepter or weapon

 

We trust you have read:

    the Trading with the Enemy Act

        the Sad Proxy Documents

            the Alternative Realities Declaration

                the Specially Designated Global Terrorist Checklist

                    the Multiple Minds of God Adjustments

                        the Foreign Narcotic$ Kingpin De$ignation

                            and the Unacceptable, Sweaty, Crestfallen Investor

                                    Dialectic—

 

Right now, nobody has reliable data in any of these fields, so

 

    we can provide no assurances

 

        based on current expectations, plans, estimates, projections, or fuzzy

globular masses of feeling which represent incompletely processed and more or less

melted childhood dreams and beliefs

 

                provided by blinkered individuals beyond our control

who may splatter your lap with liquidity events

 

We may not be able to raise substantial funds

    without feasting on

        portion controlled steaks daily

            as well as full-bodied single malt scotches

                with rose-gold highlights

                    the costs of which would be passed along to you

 

Our officers face significant conflicts of interests as the drug wears off

 

This is considered a “blind pool” offering. Therefore, you may see flashes of orange and yellow when tired. The corners of your eyes may fill with a milky discharge. You may see pulsating bars in your peripheral vision at times, especially when there are sudden changes in illumination and thus you may not be able to adequately evaluate our ability to achieve investment objectives

 

If your reality is so vibrant and exciting, fool

                                if you’re so almighty high-minded,

 

                                then simply give your wealth away

 

for the purposes of this document, the words “we,” “us,”

    and the phrase “ourselves or our affiliates”

        refer to the lives of the pious

                        for whom all things turn out for the best

 

certain categories of purchasers

    who take an unscheduled doze at a crucial moment

        will incur hefty exit fees

Amy Gerstler is the author of Dearest Creature and several other books of poetry. She lives in Los Angeles.

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