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Fresh Hell

The best dispatches from our grim new reality

It’s the Real ThingTM

Before the weak-tummied, beer-loving Kavanaugh took to the national stage to sob about his lift routine, Coca Cola garnered some prime-time ad space compliments of the Senate Judiciary Committee, the value of which could be north of $3 million, according to one estimate. “Coke: The Drink of Fearless Women Swimming, Ceaselessly, Through Men’s Bullshit” ought to play well during Sweeps Week.


The Big Sleep No More 

Ever wanted to spend thirty hours in a coffin? Well, Six Flags will let you do just that—hell, they’ll even throw in three hundred bucks and some season passes. But here’s the twist: the coffin gets cell service, and phone-charging stations will be available.


Vam-pyre of the Vanities  

If all things go according to plan, the aspiring parasites of New York’s aging haut monde will soon be able to infuse their decaying carcasses with the blood of down-and-out youth, courtesy of hotshot startup Ambrosia Medical. While Ambrosia’s yet to announce prices for their wellness regimen, volunteers paid $8,000 each to participate in the clinical trial, which has led some doctors to decry the immorality of letting the wealthy dole out their hard-earned dough on the false promise of out-and-out vampirism.


In death as in life

The father of a deceased Russian woman opted to honor the memory of his dearly departed daughter with a five-foot iPhone 6 tombstone made of a tasteful polished black stone. It’s unclear if the tombstone will be updated to reflect the arbitrary stylings of subsequent iPhone releases.


Splish splash, I was getting tipsy in the bath

According to Gwyneth Paltrow, that poreless bon vivant and promoter of all things colon cleansing, guzzling a nightcap glass of whiskey in the tub is most certainly the balm for what ails you. But Paltrow—who pegs herself as a “seven-days-a-week drinker”—isn’t knocking back the cheap shit while she steeps in cocktail of glacial marine clay and activated charcoal bath salts. No, she’s sipping on some top-shelf, aged Japanese whiskey, which accumulates high levels ellagic acid, a polyphenol with antioxidant properties that might decrease one’s chances of getting cancer. But, also, be wary of such a happy hour: someone drowns in a bathtub nearly every day in the good ol’ U.S. of A.


A brand in need is a friend indeed

Steak-umm, hocker of frozen meat, has some cutting words for those boomers who would criticize today’s wayward youth, especially those who find solace in the soulless brands that populate the internet.