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Fresh Hell

The best dispatches from our grim new reality

Keeping Up With the Class War

It has come to the attention of science that even momentary exposure to the flagrant, unrelenting materialism of our nation’s first family, the Kardashians, and their profane televisual comrades dulls one’s sense of empathy for the poor. Researchers at the London School of Economics have concluded that boob-tube junkees were far more likely to possess “stronger materialistic and anti-welfare attitudes than lighter consumers” of shows like Keeping Up With the Kardashians, The Apprentice, and other free market propaganda. That said, the study shows even a solitary minute of ogling glossy photos of celebs sporting designer paraphernalia is enough to ignite a craving to ground the impoverished into a pulp in the doomed quest to ascend to the good life.


The Devil’s Consultant Wears Ostrich

As the country combed through the closet of one Paul Manafort this week, we were disappointed to learn that the tyrant-boosting fashionista spent $15,000 on a boring-ass ostrich jacket when he could have spent a mere $637 on a vastly superior feathered statement piece.


Fake, fake, disgusting news

The fine folks over at The Conservative Review fiercely skewered the vile socialist plague of lifejacket standards earlier this week—only to discover that the International Socialist Organization (ISO) is not the same as the International Organization for Standardization (ISO). They’ve since issued a correction regarding their rapid-fire criticism of socialism’s intrusive desire to prevent drownings. Somebody should give a heads up to our trash-bag-of-Big-Macs president so he can appropriately label the Review as “fake, fake, disgusting news.”


Fast Times at Sears Department Store

Even though all Sears department stores in Canada heaved their final, discount perfume-reeking breath at the dawn of the year, four executives are reluctant to leave their cushy spots on the board of directors. So they’ve just kept right on paying themselves—to the tune of $600,000. A real buzzkill of a lawsuit, though,  argues that they disband the thirteenth-hour shindig and perhaps consider dispensing some of the cash fumes to the folks still owed money by Sears—or maybe even to the hundreds of employees who never saw a dime in severance. Harsh realm!


Think Different

We cheered this week—one long, uninterrupted howl of anguish—as Apple became the first company to crest the one trillion dollar-valuation mark on the backs of suicidal, underpaid wage slaves and the credit-card debt of hundreds of millions of shoppers utterly enthralled by the joy of buying a new smartphone every year. Now there are only sixteen countries with a GDP that surpasses the valuation of this single corporate entity!