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Fresh Hell

The best dispatches from our grim new reality

Attack of the Bloomblob 

While the media gushes over the precipitous rise of billionaire Michael Bloomberg in his quest to purchase the presidency through a blitzkrieg campaign of astroturfed memes, catered lunch-coaxed canvassers, and prison labor, let’s take a brief moment to consider the broad, illustrious sweep of Mr. Bloomberg’s career, including the accumulation of nearly forty sexual harassment and discrimination lawsuits brought against him and his various enterprises by sixty-four women over the past several decades. Or what about that time as mayor when he sued New York’s City Council to suppress minimum wage increases? Or perhaps back in the day when he merrily endorsed the wanton cruelty of the War on Terror? Or maybe the many, many years he spent backing the NYPD’s racist stop-and-frisk policy—only to offer a meek apology as he entered the presidential race? Great times all around! 


Everywhere You Want to Be

Celebrate Black History Month with this limited edition Harriet Tubman Visa card from OneUnited Bank! Terms and conditions may apply. 


I’m Ready for My Vape, Mr. DeMille

The Oscars may be over, but the lavish amusements and swank trinkets of the gift bags awarded to nominees live on, inundating the lives of Hollywood’s elite with twenty-four-karat vapes and bath bombs, botox, all-inclusive cruises and trips to active lighthouses in Spain, cannabis-infused chocolate and cocktail syrups, mud wraps, custom stained glass portraits, meditation headbands with biofeedback, and a handy device that will analyze their urine so as to confirm, decisively, that while their shit still stinks, superstar piss is unmatched in its quality. 


Last Exit to Mars

Erstwhile Superman and current Christian cinema darling Dean Cain has landed the role of a lifetime in a film that very well may transcend the schlocky netherworld of Christsploitation to the ethereal Shangri-la of true Art. The film, Being Trump, is to be a political comedy committed to the Lord’s work of making our president the first human-emulating creature to walk on Mars, along the way unveiling “the truth and mystery of Donald Trump’s politics.” 


The Ladies Who Riot

Over the long weekend in Tennessee, cash-strapped consumer citizens will revel in the joys of a sales-tax hiatus, rushing to stockpile televisions, clothes, and sundry gewgaws of little to no use at a considerable discount—but not tampons, no, no, those will continue to be taxed at their usual rate after Republicans in the state legislature pushed back against a proposal that would include sanitary products in the tax-free fun. They were concerned, you see, that women, roused into a hysterical frenzy of ravenous appetite, might hoard tampons and possibly bankrupt the state. As one male Republican soberly observed, “The possibility of people purchasing large quantities had not been factored in when determining the cost of the legislation.”


Natural Born Propagandists 

Elsewhere in Tennessee’s legislative docket, lawmakers considered an amendment that would, in a bid to bolster our democracy against the pathogens of disinformation, formally recognize CNN and the Washington Post as “fake news” that is part of the media wing of the Democratic party,” spewing lies and foisting radical socialism on an otherwise perfectly well-informed and reasonable populace. The amendment goes on to observe: “We recognize that fake news outlets suggest ideas without directly making accusations so that they can claim innocence from their ivory towers.”


Bezos in Beverly Hills

No doubt to celebrate the ballooning of his net worth by $12 billion in a solitary day, Jeff Bezos has purchased the most expensive home ever sold in California: the 13,600-square-foot Warner Estate, which sprawls over nine glorious acres in Beverly Hills. Mr. Bezos paid $165 million for the property, a mere eighth of a percent of his net worth, equivalent to someone earning $60,000 a year and spending $75 on a house—a god damn bargain, in other words.