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Your Trumpcare Investment Portfolio

If Trumpcare passes, here are some opportunities you shouldn’t pass up

Like any legislation drafted in secret and subject to limited public scrutiny, the Senate GOP’s version of Trumpcare offers substantial opportunities for the savvy investor. As political and health-care analysts update their projections based on the latest version of the bill, you should position yourself now to make the most of whatever version of Trumpcare eventually passes.

Here are five recommended stock purchases to add to your portfolio sooner rather than later. 

Nestlé (NSRGY; current share price $86.60)

Nestlé is one of the world’s largest businesses, with a market cap of $229.5 billion. It bills itself as a nutrition, health, and wellness company, and Trumpcare’s passage will no doubt enhance its market share. Here’s just one example: Nestlé owns Purina, which makes cat food. Cat food is a cheap source of protein. As senior citizens across the country face a liquidity crisis as a result of Trumpcare’s exploding premiums, expect human consumption of cat food to increase, and Nestlé’s share price to go up accordingly.

Williams-Sonoma, Inc. (WSM; current share price $46.43)

Trumpcare will allow insurers to deny coverage to people with preexisting conditions. Countless sick people will find themselves locked out of the insurance market, so they will turn to crystal healing, sketchy nutritional supplements, and other quackery. This will prompt understandably fraught expressions of concern from loved ones during Thanksgiving dinner, and, as the conversation escalates from anguish into outright anger, the subsequent destruction of turkey platters. Williams-Sonoma stands to profit handsomely as American families scramble to buy replacement turkey platters. 

Service Corporation International (SCI; current share price $34.26)

Service Corporation International, a company operating in the “death-service” industry, owns more than 1,500 funeral homes nationwide. But that’s not the only reason it’s a smart investment in a post-ACA health-care climate. SCI has already branded itself perfectly for the exigencies of health-provision as the Republican Congress envisions them. Consider: Trumpcare will result in many thousands of preventable deaths per year. The GOP sees these deaths as acceptable “collateral damage” in their war of liberation for millionaires and billionaires; as such these deaths carry the whiff of indignity, as the lives cut short are literally worth less than the further advantages granted to America’s wealthiest individuals. Grieving families will know this on some level. That’s where SCI comes in. Many of SCI’s funeral homes are branded as “Dignity Memorial” venues—and that is the perfect name for those who are struggling to reassert the inherent worth of their late loved ones. It’s true that SCI has been the subject of numerous lawsuits alleging that the chain disposed of bodies in the wrong cemetery plots, improperly cremated stillborn babies or buried them in too-shallow graves, held corpses in an un-refrigerated garage, and the like. However, President Trump’s push to ease burdensome regulations suggests a climate that will soon be more amenable to error-prone death-service companies.

Anheuser-Busch InBev (BUD; current share price $113.05)

As Trump’s base of angry white voters see their premiums rise, they will lash out in inchoate rage. However, the human impulse to avoid cognitive dissonance also means these voters won’t be able to blame their beloved president or his compatriots in the Republican party. Instead, they will blame whatever hapless target Trump decides to attack via Twitter. That target might be Hillary Clinton, or Joe Scarborough, but—since Trump’s mind is quickly turning to mush—it just as easily might be a background extra in a life-insurance commercial during Fox & Friends, or a telephone pole he mistakes for a very tall, very skinny black person who’s stealing a bunch of wires. If it’s the latter, we should anticipate a nationwide grassroots war against telephone poles in honor of President Trump. This will be great news for PennWell Corporation of Tulsa, OK, the company behind, which recently published “Structural Rehabilitation: Cost-Effective Alternatives to Pole Replacement.” Unfortunately, PennWell is a privately held company. As investors realize this sad fact, they will probably drown their sorrows in alcohol. That means Budweiser. 

Deutsche Lufthansa AG (LHA; current share price 20.92 EUR)

The national suicide rate is already at a thirty-year high, fueled in part by “distress about jobs and personal finances.” Because Trumpcare will increase health care costs for the sick and poor while cutting Medicaid, Americans’ mounting feelings of desperation and shame will increase, leading to more self-harm and death. This brute fact will go unremarked upon by most GOP lawmakers, whose escalating contempt for the vulnerable (except for America’s sainted white opioid addicts) has helped fuel their party’s devolution into little more than a racist death cult. As Trump fosters this culture of permanent transgression and sublimated self-hatred within his party, most Republicans will reach a point where they only feel alive when imagining their own sexual obliteration at the hands of Vladimir Putin—the ultimate punishing father figure. GOP members’ newfound appetites will eventually lead them to St. Petersburg’s MusEros, which bills itself as “the world’s largest erotic museums and the biggest Russian museum of eroticism” and takes as its motto “Know everything about what others are silent [about]!” Lufthansa offers some of the quickest flights from Washington D.C. to St. Petersburg; expect its stock to rise along with the members of Congress.