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Top 10 Reasons You Don’t Have to Read This Column About the Election

Election fatigue: Is it a scam?!

10. According to a HuffPost/YouGov poll, 81 percent of Americans wish the election was over. Not wanting to read yet another column about the 2016 campaign means you are a normal American. (Of course, this assumes the poll wasn’t rigged; some of Donald Trump’s supporters might insist that the internals are D+9, which means the hidden “monster vote” has once again flown under the radar—and that those invisible voters will materialize on election day to issue a powerful rebuke to media elites who use deliberate and criminal D+n oversampling in their scheme to convince everyone that most folks wish the election was over, when in fact, everybody loves the election, and just you wait until November 8, when Americans rise up and refuse to vote, thereby sending a clear message that they’d like the election to continue unresolved for as long as possible).

9. A Pew Research Center report published yesterday reveals that only 20 percent of social-media users like seeing “lots of political posts and discussions.” Since this column counts as a political post, if you’re a social-media user, the odds are against you being happy to see it. And since you’re not happy to see it, there’s no reason to read it . . . unless it contains explosive new revelations about how John Podesta has requested oversampling of people who want the election to be over! In which case, please, please forward it to everyone you know, because we only have two weeks left and people need to know the truth about this election (i.e., that the media and the campaigns are conspiring to end it on November 8, even if we all want it to continue for another ten years)!

8. If you buy into the mainstream media narrative that this election is over on November 8, then how do you explain that Trump has only produced $56 million of the $100 million he promised to spend on his campaign? As a man of his word, Trump will definitely make good on the other $44 million; of that there can be no doubt. And since he hasn’t produced it yet, we must assume he is thinking long-term, budgeting his expenditures carefully—because he knows the silent majority of Americans (who weren’t polled about whether they want the election to be over because the media only polls at D+9 or R-6, it’s a scandal, really, I’ve always said it’s a scandal) will insist on another six months of campaigning. And that’s when Trump, whose word is his bond, will spend the remaining $44 million, an amount of money he definitely has on hand, because he is undoubtedly as wealthy as he says he is.

7. Sean Hannity

6. replied to

5. my tweet

4. about whether

3. he knew

2. kung fu . . .

1. … which renders all other political reportage meaningless.