The Manly Apocalypse

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1. Two-Fisted Tales

      A cowcatcher jaw splinters the door.

     “Jack Ginch, you slants!” The opium den clears.

     Strike a match—so much for that sinister laundry.

     Three roundhouse rights seduce the blonde hostage.

     

     Jack leaps to mount the fleeing U-boat.

     “Need a light, Fritz?” Jack applies the blowtorch.

     “Round here we vote for the master race.”

     Now back to HQ for a fistful of Scotch.

     

2. Liberté Egalité

     The Davester brands the keg with a delta.

     Azure bandanas bandage pledge haircuts.

     Kilt party, motherfuckers! Blow my fucking bagpipe!

     Big Brad surreptitiously sizes up his delts.

     

3. Cop on the Edge

     Colson stalks from the shakedown room.

     Veterans pound their desks. Paperwork!

     Rookies scald the Chief with coffee—

     just what he needs when his wife’s found Krishna.

     

     Colson surprises the jet ski smugglers.

     Bayside warehouses go up in flames.

     The Lieutenant takes credit. Meanwhile, Heather bustily

     re-educates warring multi-ethnic street gangs.

     

4. The Ol’ Flea-Flicker

     Kohart posts through the beer commercial.

     Whiteman throws long with his broken arm.

     The director writes it in, but Vanuatu stumbles—

     he takes out a Plowgirl; the pom-poms fly.

     

     Kohart thinks fast through his broken neck.

     Plowmen move faster; Ko’s head severs.

     Woof! Woof! Woof! It splits the uprights.

     Kohart spikes it and reclaims his helmet.

     

5. Battle Royale

     The Giant swings his fifty-pound skull.

     Hacksaw Jim’s two-by-four snaps like a matchstick.

     Chief Strongbow won’t war-dance tonight, kemo sabe.

     Shredded turnbuckle litters the ring.

     

     Superfly Snuka toes the cables tight—

     the Giant’s distracted with Hacksaw’s corpse.

     Superfly kicks. The arena goes dark.

     The Star-Spangled Banner rises from the ashes.

     

6. Forced Merger

     The company chopper rises from the squash court.

     Lawson dons his Armani shades.

     He checks his Rolex. Time to deal, sucker!

     He dials himself on his mobile phone.

     

     It rings. He won’t answer. He yanks the antenna.

     He grins at himself in the polarized glass—

     let him wait. Then he clicks off the phone with a wink.

     No mercy. He cuts himself out of the loop.

     

7. What Thundarr Said

     Rogue comets reverse the spin of Earth.

     The moon hangs in halves. Rising from the cataclysm,

     Thundarr glowers out of his hairshirt.

     Ookla thunders in on his dinosaur horse.

     Princess Ariel wryly looks on. “Lords of Light!”

     

     Serpentine necks lift from the water.

     The Sun Sword buzzes. Heads litter the riverbank.

     Dynamos, robots, whirlybirds, slot machines

     creak and falter with an oath and drop-kick.

     Thundarr isn’t finished. “Ookla! Ariel! RIDE!”

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