For his latest strategic maneuver in the all-out, full-communist war he has declared on the rich, New York City mayor Bill “Bane” de Blasio has summoned the magical powers of underclass resentment to control the weather.
Here’s how it works: he summons Ba’al, or Gaia, or whatever evil leftist deity he worships, to pound his city with a foot of snow, probably by sacrificing a wealthy socialite at his red altar. Then he personally orders the NYC snow plows not to dig out certain wealthier enclaves of Manhattan — the Upper East Side, Soho. Look at the map. Look at the yellow and blue areas signifying irregular plowing runs. Look at the class warfare.
The New York Post was on the scene in the Upper East Side to document the carnage:
Huge swaths of the city’s wealthiest neighborhood had been not been plowed by early Tuesday evening, leaving 1-percenters out in the cold, according to the city’s own map of snow-plower activity.
“He is trying to get us back. He is very divisive and political,” said writer and Life-long Upper East Sider and mom Molly Jong Fast of Mayor de Blasio.
“By not plowing the Upper East Side, he is saying, ‘I’m not one of them.’ But we have everyone in this area on the Upper East Side. We have rich people, middle class people, and housing projects. We have it all.”
There appeared to be no snow plowing between East 59th and 79th Streets and between Second and Fifth Avenues.
“I can’t believe de Blasio could do this. He is putting everyone in danger,” said Barbara Tamerin, who was using ski poles to get around 81st Street and Lexington Avenue.
By rush hour on Wednesday morning, of course, the streets of the Upper East Side and most of Manhattan were being plowed every half-hour or hour. The outer boroughs appear to still be something of a crapshoot. So despite this narrative of retribution against the wealthy, which has already gained enough traction to become the dominant fodder for questions at de Blasio’s press conferences, NYC’s plowing prioritization appears to be the same as it ever was. Manhattan gets taken care of fairly quickly, while the rest of the city has to hang tight.
Which is a shame. Most would agree that the world would be a better place if Upper East Side complainers “writer and Life-long Upper East Sider and mom Molly Jong Fast” was miserable and stranded in their apartments for a while. Alas, no dice. All is normal again, and the non-wealthy will be the ones standing in the freezing cold, waiting for buses, as is their divinely selected duty.
If and when de Blasio does decide to snow in the rich out of pure malice, however, the rich should take that as a blessing — an opportunity to pull themselves up by their bootstraps and solve the problem themselves, in the capitalist spirit! Like this Canadian asshole says, being screwed over is the best thing that can ever happen to a person:
One Canadian entrepreneur couldn’t have been more excited to learn that the 85 richest people on Earth are now worth as much half the world’s population.
“It’s fantastic,” said Canadian millionaire Kevin O’Leary on his own Canadian news show the “The Lan & O’Leary Exchange.”
“This is a great thing because it inspires everybody, gets them motivation to look up to the one percent and say, ‘I want to become one of those people, I’m going to fight hard to get up to the top,’ ” said O’Leary, who’s been dubbed Canada’s Donald Trump and is also an investor in the reality show Shark Tank.
“This is fantastic news and of course I’m going to applaud it,” O’Leary went on to say Monday, on the record, in front of television cameras that were recording him. “What can be wrong with this?”
So the next time Upper East Siders see their street unplowed, they should applaud it, grab a shovel, and aspire to dig out the sucker. Remember, what’s bad is always secretly good.