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Fresh Hell

The best dispatches from our grim new reality

A park, seized

Across the pond in Bristol, England, a gaggle of unhoused radicals initiated a fleeting revolution earlier this week when they seized a public park and padlocked the gates, allowing entry only to their comrades. “We’ve taken it over, it’s ours now, we’ve got it for the people,” declared one renegade vagrant in an all too hasty rejection of the capitalist system that spat the wastrel onto the streets in the first place. But rest assured, this communist spark was snuffed out within twenty-four hours, whereupon the park was reopened to the true, industrious public.


I’m from Cleveland. I like TGI Fridays.”

Every time Pride Month rolls around on the old Gregorian, we’re reminded to celebrate our recusant queerness by cheering on the fun-loving murderers of this nation’s police forces, supporting our drug cartel cash-laundering banks, and shopping at sweatshop-dependent big box retailers. Thankfully, the New York Times is here to assure us gay celebration need not entail opening a home equity line of credit with HSBC. You can let your queer flag fly merely by ordering toasted cheese ravioli at one of the ascendant gay sports bar chains sweeping the country. According to one gay barfly, We are entitled to everything straight people have, including our own vanilla.”


Get Buzzed!

Check out this cool, forthcoming gizmo from the techhell of Silicon Valley: a chic, wearable band that will alert you via text message when you’ve had too much vodka to make informed decisions about your sexual activity, transportation, and/or the content of the hot air streaming from your face. The woke developers at Buzz promise the monitoring device has practical applications beyond the byways of our #metoo moment; it will be a pal to paternalistic corporations too!  “As an owner or operator of a foodservice establishment, you can use Buzz to monitor your patrons (or employees) BAC in real time.”


Great Hotels

In a canny bout of comparison shopping, the folks at Business Insider have concluded our fascist overlords could be saving a pretty penny in the business of immigrant youngster imprisonment if they opted instead to put up the lawbreaking kiddos in the gilded rooms of Trump Hotels. It costs the Department of Health and Human Services approximately $775 per person per night to pad the pockets of private “shelter” companies—err, house the little buggers—a price point comparable to and often below the rates charged for suites at Trump’s shitchain of hotels.


The future is an all-in-one burger machine with rose gold copper accents 

As the human experiment slips further into the abyss, let us commemorate the great tenacity of entrepreneurial spirit that will go on innovating until every last human is rendered superfluous to the growth of capital. Take, for instance, Creator: a culinary robotics startup that will throw open the doors of its first fast casual dining outpost later this month in San Francisco, granting the public the chance to ogle a fourteen-foot, all-in-one burger-making robot that spits out a deluxe $6 burg in five minutes.


A Whopper of a deal

In other burger news, Burger King had to backpedal a social media campaign initiated by its Russian appendage offering a lifelong fount of Whoppers—along with a $47,000 cash prize—to any woman who manages to get preggo’d by a soccer player competing in the World Cup. But wait, that’s not the only lovable publicity stunt the chain has undertaken in Russia; just last year, it mocked a teen rape victim in an advertisement!


“I’m no longer on Bumble.”

Take solace in knowing that socializing is hard for the millenial abettors of Trump’s reign too.