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Fresh Hell

The best dispatches from our grim new reality

Desperately Seeking Employment

In the gimmick economy of aspiring creative classers, the fumes of a first-rate resume are unlikely to elevate you to the heights of an entry-level gig; you must stand out from the horde. That’s why one savvy college graduate by the name of Jade Delaney decided to stand outside of the UK ad agency McCann Bristol for hours dressed up as the “Fearless Girl” statue beloved the world over for asserting that women, too, deserve the right to enact violence on the globe through financial capitalism. Impressed by Delaney’s devotion, the moneyed gatekeepers of the storied ad agency (known for calling for applicants with “big balls”), decided to give her a one-month trial run in the office.


Times, They Are A-Changin’

A batch of British schools, seemingly eager to abet the degeneration of the human mind, have started replacing analog clocks with digital clocks because telling time is hard. Proponents of the reform allege that it will help students instantly comprehend the transitory nature of life while taking soul-deadening standardized tests.


The Expendables

Over in the great state of Louisiana, tens of thousands of oldsters may soon face eviction from their nursing homes now that funding for Medicaid has all but vanished, inexplicably, after years of aggressive corporate tax cuts left the state with a budget shortfall of over five hundred million dollars. “I won’t be living under a bridge somewhere, but still it’s a really scary thing,” notes Betty Waller, an eighty-nine year old polio survivor, who could soon join up to thirty-seven thousand Medicaid recipients and more than twenty-five thousand care workers who would be left high and dry if the state decides to terminate benefits for the disabled and elderly. “It has the potential to kill people,” claims one nursing home operator, in what is clearly a hyperbolic bout of mania. Grandma can tough it out in a cardboard shack for a brief spell just fine. The elderly may be frail in the fingers, but they’re steadfast at heart.


Vape dangerously

As the media scrambles to interpret the blue raspberry-flavored vape cloud signals of today’s youth, it should be remembered that vaping is not all fun and propylene glycol; it can be deadly. Just last week in Florida, an unsuspecting puffer was killed after an exploding vape pen ignited a blaze in his Florida residence, adding yet another victim to the roster of those who’ve been scorned by vanguard smoking technology.


I’ll have the brand slam, baby!

In the event you’re bored by the Twitter flirtations of Wendy’s and Burger King, you can now watch a frighteningly swoll rendering of Wendy’s founder Dave Thomas (“the square patty daddy himself!”) wrestle the mascot of Panda Express in a WWE-style pageant of machismo and capitalism because this is the world we deserve.