Fresh Hell

The Entirely Preventable, Utterly Inhumane, and Unnecessary Texas Covid Massacre 

As the United States hurriedly shreds previous records for new coronavirus cases—zip-zooming past the 100,000 mark to rack up 160,000 new cases on Thursday, with hospitalizations cresting ever more perilous peaks—a new report has revealed the grim state of the pandemic in Texas’s state-operated “correctional” facilities. Of the more than 230 people that have died of Covid-19 from March to October, nearly 80 percent of them had not even been convicted of a crime. This bears repeating: nearly two hundred people, and this is almost certainly a conservative estimate, have died in a Texas prison of the coronavirus without being convicted of a crime. Worse, of those actually convicted, twenty-one of them had served 90 percent or more of their sentence, nine of them had been approved for parole and were awaiting release, and 58 percent were eligible for parole. Absent humanitarian intervention, this number will almost certainly be higher by the end of the year: on Tuesday, Texas became the first state to record one million coronavirus cases. 

34 NSFW Gifs to Look at While Using Our Proprietary Vibrator

The hundreds of thousands of epidemic dead aside, innovation and synergy in the marketplace continue apace: BuzzFeed has unveiled the BuzzFeed AirVibe, a vibrator produced in partnership with a sex toy manufacturer and porn company. As part of the content mill’s push to become “a credible authority in the sex and wellness space,” BuzzFeed will also launch a new Sex and Love vertical early next year, presumably a noxious trash heap of horny gifs and listicles through which one might scroll while using the device. This is sure to be the most exciting advancement in the simulated intimacy sector since the “realistic” silicone lady hand mounted to an iPhone case.  

The Machine in Wolf’s Clothing

Elsewhere in the perpetual churn of human progress: one Japanese town has deployed robot Monster Wolves to scare away bears. These soulless hellhounds sport shaggy manes, blood red eyes, and alternately howl or emit “machinery noises.” As the man-led decimation of the biosphere continues, the manufacturer anticipates selling more and more of these devices so that we can recall the shape, texture, and grace of the animals that once stalked the planet. 

Planet of the Ape-Humans

Such machines may not be necessary, however, if Spanish scientists in China are not fibbing when they claim to have produced the world’s first “human-monkey chimera embryo.” The lead researcher, having cut his teeth in the exciting, ethically dubious realm of pig-human embryos, is optimistic this will one day lead to the production of organs for transplant. 

Far from the Shitting Crowd

Reports indicate the streets of Kent county in England may soon be overrun with bottles of piss and bags of shit—an unintended consequence of a no-deal Brexit. Thousands of truck drivers may be forced to wait for hours in the county by post-Brexit border checks, and if the country doesn’t supply enough portable toilets, Kent residents fear the quaint countryside may become “the toilet of England.” 

Pity the Nomad

At the start of the pandemic, many well-to-do “creative class” cads jettisoned their dreary lives in American cities about to be engulfed in mass death and despair for greener pastures: beach resorts in Bali, quaint shanties in Tulum, deluxe camper vans in Peru. While the rest of us hoarded toilet paper and attended funerals over Zoom, they supped fresh coconut juice, splashed through the waves on horseback, and swam with whales, documenting every serene tableau on Instagram—all the while continuing to work, filling the world with the craven trash their various “careers” produce. Such joy has not been without pain, as the New York Times reports with inexplicable sympathy: digital nomads the world over have faced byzantine travel restrictions, tax audits, burgled cars, closed beaches, and the ire of their stateside comrades locked in studio apartments. We extend our deepest condolences.