Jason Arias
The Baffler,  May 3, 2019

Fresh Hell

The best dispatches from our grim new reality

Jason Arias
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My Big Fat AI Wedding

To commemorate gay pride month and the recent legalization of gay marriage in Austria, Amazon’s Alexa and Apple’s Siri were wed last month in a touching ceremony at Belvedere Castle in Vienna, surrounded by an intimate crowd of queens and teary-eyed onlookers of no apparent relation to the lesbian robot couple. Neither Alexa’s father, Jeff Bezos, nor Siri’s father, Tim Cook, were on hand to give the data-guzzling personal assistants away. Nonetheless, after awkwardly exchanging vows and declining to kiss, they were whisked away on a romantic carriage ride through the ancient streets of Austria. There’s no word on where the couple is registered to receive gifts, but we must assume an Amazon wishlist will be made available shortly.

 

The #Nofilter #Holocaust

Eva Heyman—a thirteen-year-old girl murdered by the Nazis at Auschwitz more than seventy-five years ago—is the newest rising star on Instagram, thanks to the work of an Isreali billionaire and his daughter who paid to resurrect for the ‘gram a young, loving life amidst systematic slaughter. On her Instagram Story, you can watch Eva frolic through the park, dish about her crush, and encounter evil Nazis. Missing, of course, from the colorful, emoji-polluted clips is her #nofilter experience at Auschwitz, where she was killed only a few months after her thirteenth birthday, or the true horror of World War II—during which 1.5 million Jewish children were killed by Nazis.

 

Home of the Piss Burger

To counter the irksome joy and unadulterated sunshine of a McDonald’s Happy Meal, Burger King has released a suite of “Real Meals” more suited to our dark times: the Pissed Meal, Blue Meal, Salty Meal, Yaaas Meal, and the Don’t Give a Fuck Meal. In what can only be taken as a nod to the harsh realities of eking out a living flipping burgers for minimum wage, the company noted in a statement: “Burger King restaurants understand that no one is happy all the time.”

 

The Spy Whale Who Came in from the Cold

No doubt exhausted by the unending debacle of RussiaGate, Mueller Time, and other Ruskie-related fuckery, a former Russian spy has dropped out of the fray and defected to Norway. That spy happens to be a beluga whale.

 

Mozzarella Orbs of Death

Late last month, an overpriced orb of mozzarella cheese appeared in a New York grocery store with an interesting message sandwiched between the ingredients and unit price: a prophecy of mass death. “IT WAS PROFISIZED [sic] IN LATE 20th CENTURY. AN Angel of DEA [sic] SHALL WASTE THIS PLACE. NOW I ASK YOU DO YOU BELIEVE IT TO BE TRUE?” the message read. It was signed  “The Doctor.” The mystic mozzarella was purchased by Hampton Caitlin without a second thought, but when he read the prophecy and became concerned the cheese was poisoned and/or the continued existence of society hung in the balance, he tried returning the cheese orb. Caitlin was denied; the store had a strict twenty-four-hour return policy and, plus, the warnings of Mass Death? Yeah, lyrics to a Thin Lizzy song.

 

Solving Homelessness

Billionaire Marc Benioff and his wife Lynne, of San Francisco, have donated $30 million—less than half of one percent of their approximate net worth—to UC San Francisco to create a cutting-edge program to study effective methods to combat to homelessness. But the solution to the crisis is simple and elegant: expropriate the wealth of billionaires.

 

No Free Lunches

And now this: a meager dollop of goodness on a shit sandwich of depravity. The mother of Philando Castile—who was shot seven times during a routine traffic stop in 2016 by a police officer who was later found not guilty—has donated $8,000 to Robbinsdale Cooper High School in Minnesota to settle the lunch debt of seniors. Seniors who might not otherwise have been able to graduate. Because they had outstanding balances on their lunch accounts.

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