Jason Arias
The Baffler,  January 25, 2019

Fresh Hell

The best dispatches from our grim new reality

Jason Arias
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Pass the Heinz

If you’ve ever thought: gee, my $1,200 well-done wagyu tenderloin could use a presidential dash of ketchup, Heinz has just the pointlessly fancy innovation for you: ketchup caviar. This limited edition condiment actually has almost nothing in common with caviar; it’s just Heinz ketchup apportioned into tiny, caviar-esque little globules.

 

Coming Out of My Closet, and I’ve Been Doing Just Fine

David Matheson—a formerly prominent leader in the exciting field of conversion therapy—has come out as gay, finding in himself the very same hankering for hunky men that he’d spent decades trying to snuff out in countless souls. On his heartening body of work over the years, Matheson said, “I’m not renouncing my past work,” but this “new life-giving path” has “already started a whole new growth process.”

 

Buzz Buzz, Give Me Yayo

London’s hottest nightclub might just be the biologically dead Thames river, in which hordes of coked out eels have been discovered bandying about, in love with life, ready to talk for hours with intense passion about absolutely nothing.

 

What a Difference a Gold Vape Case Makes

For those hoping to flagrantly broadcast their unjustified wealth while huffing mint mojito vape juice, consider this $5,000 18K gold vape case by Miansai. Or, if you’re merely looking for some elegant smokewear outfitted to accommodate your popcorn-lung-generating habit by handily concealing your Juul, the fashion industry is prepared to satiate your artificially manufactured need.

 

At Last, a Restaurant With That New-Car Smell”

Lexus, the manufacturer of cars, has opened a chi-chi restaurant concept in Manhattan called Intersect because branded experiences are now the only thing available for purchase in New York. Nowhere in the astronomically expensive restaurant will you find an actual luxury sedan to ogle, however; instead, raves New York Times’ food critic Pete Wells, you’ll find “some of the most engaging food” he’s eaten in months, including halibut à la grenobloise and duck with salsify and sunchoke. Hell, he would go “out of [his] way” to sup there again.

 

Happy Birthday, Baby 

BuzzFeed—in the midst of firing hundreds of employees in order to satisfy the arbitrary demands of their investors— took a moment yesterday to communicate some pressing news: the birthday of Fiona, the world-famous hippo.

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