Jason Arias
The Baffler,  October 12

Fresh Hell

The best dispatches from our grim new reality

Jason Arias
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Comin’ in to the Wing with a Prayer

In honor of Dr. Christine Blasey Ford’s reluctant but courageous turn in the searing misogynist glare of the national spotlight, The Wing—a woke coworking concern for ladies hawking Extreme Self Care and privileged access to pastel-hued Instascapes of marble and velvet—has named a conference room in their San Francisco outpost after her. Dr. Ford passed, with poise and dignity, through actual hell only to watch men in power give not one solitary shit about her assault. But now she has a room named after her in a co-working space that doesn’t allow outside food!

 

Gender is Burning

Gender reveal parties have led to massive wildfires and now verbal altercations and unpaid tabs at Applebee’s Neighborhood Grill + Bar. There are few reasons to enjoy Perfect MargaritasTM at your local Applebee’s, the least of which should be the confetti commemoration of gender predetermination.

 

Off-Season Panic in the Hamptons

As the moneyed elect prepare to hunker down for winter in the city, the au courant paranoids among them are already eyeballing trends-to-be for their summer homes in the Hamptons. Word has it that channeling fears of class war and MS-13-led home invasions into the creation of chic panic rooms outfitted with wine bars is going to be especially hot.

 

Attention Walmart Shoppers!

Whoever decreed brick and mortar retail a terminal case sure as hell hasn’t been keeping tabs on the crackerjack innovations getting cooked up by Walmart. The big-box megacorp just filed a patent for “biometric shopping handles” that will obsessively monitor the “heart rate, palm temperature, grip force, and walking speed” of shoppers so that it can, at last, have definitive, fact-based proof that everyone shopping at Walmart has a terrible fucking time.

 

Nike Is the New Black

In what some allege to be a senseless, futile act of protest against Nike’s decision to make gobs of money off of a black athlete, the sheriff’s office of one Arkansas town has apparently been forcing arrestees to don Nike t-shirts before snapping their mugshots. For his part, the sheriff claims it was never his intent to “demean or disparage those who are innocent until proven guilty”; he meant only to outfit them in some sick threads.

 

The Dow After Tomorrow

Yeah, of course everyone is in a tizzy about that one silly little report claiming we’ll reach a climate “crisis” point within twenty years, but certain optimists have already begun to think of the value that can and will be created for shareholders in responding to the irrevocable collapse of the global ecosystem.

 

Failures in the Valley of the Shadow of Death

The otherwise unblemished image of the tender-hearted guards patrolling ICE internment camps has been unfairly dragged through the mud. Among other expressions of caring, guards calling detainees who’ve attempted suicide “suicide failures” has been totally mischaracterized by the media as utterly vile and devoid of any trace of humanity.

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