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Fresh Hell

The best dispatches from our grim new reality

I Hope They Serve Natty Light in Hell

The Anheuser-Busch-brewed waterbeer of choice for the belligerent bro, Natty Light, has entered the publicity potlatch of corporate do-gooderism, joining the likes of pothole-filling Domino’s and public-servant-nourishing Kraft, by offering up to $10 million over the next ten years to make a much-hyped, miniscule dent in the $1.5 trillion burden of student debt. All a debtor has to do to enter the contest is post a groveling video to the social media trash-stream of their choice on the subject of the lies of the good life that led them to accumulate gobs of debt, record their sorry tale while holding the green dollar-sign tab found on limited edition Natty Light cans, and use the hashtag #NattyStories!


The Best Little Cat Condo in San Jose

Not a week goes by in which the Bay Area doesn’t excrete another screwball tale of the housing market gone mad, and this week brings the story of Troy Good and his two adorable cats, Tina and Louise, for whom he’s paying $1,500 a month so they can have a San Jose studio apartment to themselves. But lest the feathers of the bargainista be ruffled, it should be noted that Mr. Good’s getting a deal on the cat condo: an average studio apartment goes for north of $1,900 a month.


Let the Right Blood Boy In

For the crème de la crème hoping to appropriate the hale and hearty blood of tender precariats, things just got a bit easier: Ambrosia, the one-stop blood-boy shop, is now accepting Paypal at its transfusion clinics in Los Angeles, San Francisco, Tampa, Omaha, and Houston. Alas, filibustering death doesn’t come cheap: 1 liter of topshelf blood will set you back $8,000.


Kicks of the Future

Nike has unveiled the latest needless innovation in conceptual footwear: the laceless, self-tightening, data-guzzling smart sneaker, dubbed the Nike Adapt BB. The shoes will beam countless data points to Nike HQ, allowing the benevolent company to dispense helpful tips and advertisements for other useful techwear via an app. “It’s like  having two smartphones strapped to your two feet,” according to Nike’s global head of digital products, because why not. The $350 sneakers of the future will, unfortunately, require regular charging.


Bezos the Destroyer

Amazon and its patriarch, future divorcé Jeff Bezos, have come under fire in France now that it’s come to light that the company would rather toss or incinerate unsold or returned (but unopened!) goods like diapers, coffee makers, Lego sets, and refrigerators, rather than hop through the extraordinarily taxing, arduous, and pricey hoops required to, say, donate the goods to charity or return them to the manufacturer.


Last Brexit from New Zealand

As a break from the boiling swampwater of our own nation, please enjoy the saga of this trash-spewing, drunken hellfamily of tourists, helmed by the self-described grandson of the “tenth richest man in England,” that has ravaged the pristine lands of New Zealand all week.