Fresh Hell

Rape Kit, Interrupted 

With less than a month to go before the two-year anniversary of the #MeToo movement’s start, the invisible hand of the market clumsily gropes its way to disrupting the rape kit, with the announcement of an at-home, do-it-yourself “sexual assault evidence kit” that encourages the would-be user that it’s “Your experience. Your kit. Your story. Your life. Your choice.” The stylishly branded “MeToo Kit” will be sold, we are assured, at a “pocket friendly” price—but has little to no chance of holding up as actual evidence of any value whatsoever in the criminal justice system. 

Nature: A Great Investment Opportunity

A global group of anonymous creatives-cum-“climate activists,” distraught over the fires raging across the Amazon and recognizing their role in promoting a global economic system that serves no purpose beyond funneling obscene piles of wealth to the very top, have jokingly called on Amazon to buy the Amazon as an “investment opportunity” and simply leave it alone—because that’s what businesses do!

A Trip to the Moon 

But, really, no forward-thinking billionaire gives a flying fuck about the Amazon: they’re gearing up to colonize the moon. 

I Hope They Serve Beer at Amazon 

In even more Amazon news: enjoy one intrepid reporter’s Kafkaesque journey to purchase booze from the physical “liquor store” that Amazon is required by law to operate in the state of California in order to deliver hooch in a hurry to those Los Angeles residents anxious to numb themselves against the agonies of American life. 

Spotted at Burning Man 

Dusty but spiritually enriched and sartorially radicalized, Jurrien Timmer, Director of Global Macro at Fidelity Investments, has returned from the badlands of Burning Man inspired to continue inflicting great violence on the world through capitalism. Also spotted at Black Rock City: Diplo arriving on a Popeyes-branded jet, billionaire hedge-fund manager Ray Dalio in a dapper coat, and a death camp for Barbies. 

Toy Story 

Desperate to raise funds for his beloved uncle’s funeral, one benevolent Oklahoma ten-year-old has been hocking his toys in front of a convenience store after a yard sale failed to bring in his goal of $5,000. But with the new school year ahead and with it the challenges of preparing to claw one’s way up the socioeconomic ladder, what self-respecting ten-year-old has time for toys? 

I, Robot

As for the more monied college students at UC Berkeley, they’re celebrating the return to campus with Big Macs, CBD turmeric lattes, and smoothies ferried to them by endearing little four-wheeled robots piloted by Colombian workers earning less than $2 an hour.