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Fresh Hell

The best dispatches from our grim new reality

The Deal That Came to Dinner

For the approximately 800,000 public servants-cum-political pawns who will miss their first paycheck today as our paunchy president luxuriates in his temper tantrum, a touch of frugality is in order—especially if they expect to eat in the coming “months or even years.” Thankfully, Costco—beloved big box purveyor of sundries for bargain-hunting doomsday preppers—has just the thing to tide them over: a twenty-seven pound tub of macaroni and cheese with a twenty-year shelf life for just $90.


Tidying Up

Alas, if 180 servings of “cheese”-sauce-slathered elbow macaroni won’t quite cut it, the Coast Guard Support Program has some advice for eking it out during these exciting times of “indefinite furlough” and working without pay: consider rejecting “larger ticket” possessions that don’t spark joy in your life and hawking them in a yard sale, picking up a part-time gig as a “mystery shopper,” or seeking assistance from the frayed social safety net. But when it all goes to hell, “bankruptcy is a last option.” But most importantly, according to the since-rescinded tip sheet, it’s essential to “Stay in charge of the situation by getting a clear understanding of what’s happening.” Ah, yes, a clear understanding! Of what’s happening! Of course!


Tomorrow’s Shitter Today

As the annual tech-booster bullshit bacchanal of the Consumer Electronics Show comes to a close, let us take a moment to ogle the latest in toilet technology: Kohler’s $7,000 Numi 2.0 Intelligent Toilet, which promises a “fully immersive experience” but in reality entails little more than the opportunity to shoot the shit with Alexa while on the loo.


Unicorn Tears Dry On Their Own

For those looking to zhuzh up their binge drinking in these end of days, oh boy, has the market produced the innovative moonshine for you: Unicorn Tears, a glittery, Instagram-ready rosé because why the fuck not! After all, “it is well know that unicorn tears have the power to transform unexciting days into wonderful days,” according to the shitwine website’s adspeak, which also assures any bleeding hearts in the room that while the “tear-extraction process” may not be cruelty-free, it is at the very least “completely natural.” While the wine isn’t yet available in the continental United States, it shouldn’t be a problem to smuggle in a case or two for your next bash as more and more TSA employees walk off the job.


The Fabulous Life of Pets

While the crisis of unhoused human beings accelerates on the shit-stained streets of sunny San Francisco, gumptious entrepreneurs carry on, doing their wee little part to make the world a better place. Take, for instance, Doggy Style, a new members-only doggy daycare driven by its “mad love” of dogs to deliver an “innovative dog experience” at different membership tiers (including “The Dog Wears Prada” and “The Bougie Bitch”) but that run up to $1,500 a month. “Anything where people pay attention to their dogs is a good thing,” according to Deb Campbell, an animal care and control spokeswoman. As for the unhoused humans, well, they can eat shit.


Ad Wars

While humanity went to the moon nearly fifty years ago and launched the first satellite into orbit over a decade earlier, it’s just now dawned on our stunted species to send ads into space. But we shan’t wait long: Russian startup StartRocket is on a mission to send giant, glowing advertisements into orbit as part of a larger, really humanitarian, mission: “delivering [our] culture to space.”