Fresh Hell

In the Realm of the Senseless

Exiled from the ostentatious life of ostensible public service, Louise Linton, wife of former Treasury Secretary Steven Mnuchin, has returned to being merely unconscionably rich, though she is nevertheless persistent in her conviction that we, the public, await with bated breath the unveiling of costly monuments to her egomania, the latest being her film Me You Madness. Having tired of forgettable turns as an unnamed skin care consultant in the 2007 film Lions for Lambs and “Cory’s Mother” in 2013’s The Power of Few, Linton has leveraged her immense wealth and her husband’s experience executive producing critically acclaimed films like The Lego Batman Movie to write, produce, direct, and star in a film where she gets to fuck—and possibly eat the testicles of—the guy who played Chuck Bass on Gossip Girl. A self-described ripoff of American Psycho but also maybe Basic Instinct, Double Indemnity, Footloose, and Flashdance, this malicious tale, bereft of humanity, brimming with violence, will be available to stream later this month but can be experienced in concentrated form in its overlong trailer. 

Pillow Fight

Meanwhile, on the left, gun control activist David Hogg has announced that he will soon launch a progressive pillow to compete with Mike Lindell’s conservative MyPillow. Mike is unlikely to pay much attention to whispers of a wannabe pillow trying to seize everyone’s guns, especially if said pillow doesn’t have Mike’s “patented interlocking fill,” and anyway, Mike’s busy promoting his new divinely inspired three-hour documentary Absolute Proof. Made over the course of three breakneck days under the protection of a former Navy Seal, it offers “100 percent proof” that a Chinese cyberattack is what enabled Joe Biden’s victory in last year’s election. It’s “the most important documentary ever,” says Mike. 

All Hail the Prep Elect!

Esteemed monthly GQ, for one, does not see it Mike’s way: Joe Biden was elected to be the “swagger in chief” not through a “communist coup” but by a fair-and-square margin of over seven million votes. In the latest issue of GQ UK’s digital weekly GQ Hype, they pay tribute to our duly elected leader with a series of garish tableaux into which Biden’s head has been digitally stitched: in one we find “true-blue” Biden leaning against a hot pink convertible rocking Converse; in the Oval Office we find the “prep elect” in color-blocked pastel, sipping a creamy ‘bucks and sporting some “fully sexed” specs. 

American Military Apparel 

In other fashion news, American Apparel—the once-cool, twice-bankrupt purveyor of basics acquired by Gildan in 2017—will no longer be limited to producing plunging v-neck tees and fleece hoodies for dogs. Earlier this week, the manufacturer inked a $1.1 million contract with the Department of Defense to produce military uniforms, promising to use this cash from Uncle Sam to invest substantially in equipment to vanish yet more jobs in the techno-mist of automation.  

Save Money. Live Better.

To South Carolina now, where one hardworking high school principal moonlights for minimum wage at a local Walmart to raise money for his struggling students. He got the surprise of his life this week when the largest employer in the United States donated $50,000 of its $524 billion in annual revenue to Henry Darby’s worthy cause. Walmart presented the donation to Mr. Darby live on television but declined to spring for one of those giant foam board checks, a move befitting the modesty of a sum that in will in no way produce lasting material differences in the lives of children immiserated by an economic system wholly indifferent to human life but designed entirely to benefit companies like Walmart. Despite Mr. Darby’s star turn as this week’s human interest story, he has no plans to quit his second job. “I’m going to stick with Walmart,” he said.

Sounds of the Overachieving Unborn

In year’s past, a child could be considered precocious, gifted, or otherwise exceptional merely by dint of their ability to hold a paintbrush or speak in complete sentences. But with the forthcoming release, via the record label Sacred Bones, of Sounds of the Unborn, children will forthwith be required to produce and release their debut albums while still in the womb if they are to be seen as having any hope whatsoever in making it as a TikToking, personal brand leveraging, wunderkind auteur. Recorded over multiple five-hour “joint meditation sessions” via electrodes and “biosonic MIDI technology,” Sounds of the Unborn is the work of Luca Yupanqui, the forthcoming child of Elizabeth Hart, a member of psych-rock outfit Psychic Ills, and musician Iván Diaz Mathé. Though talented musicians in their own right, Hart and Mathé merely transcribed the work of their offspring into synthesizers, “trying to intervene as little as possible, allowing Luca’s message to exist in its raw form.” You can preorder the album here.