Fresh Hell

Extremely Expensive and Totally Pointless

As new Covid-19 cases perilously ticked up this week amid fears of the Omicron variant, the Biden administration touted its new initiative allowing privately insured Americans to—after filling out the necessary paperwork, of course—be reimbursed for at-home Covid-19 tests. But why not, and here’s a truly novel concept, just make them free and have them available everywhere? One reporter put this question to White House press secretary Jenn Psaki, who, flummoxed by any logical, straightforward proposal that smacks of benevolence without clear benefit to a corporation’s bottom line, shot back: “Should we just send one to every American? . . . Then what happens if you—if every American has one test? How much does that cost?” Psaki was right to worry about the cost of measures to staunch the still ongoing mass death event: we’ve got other priorities. The next day, the Democrat-controlled House approved a $768 billion defense budget, $24 billion more than President Biden asked for, because why the hell not? We may have just put an end to our twenty-year misadventure in Afghanistan, but the world remains a dangerous place. It’s essential that we agitate for military confrontations with Russia over Ukraine and China over Taiwan and that we prepare “additional measures” against Iran.

A Lesson in Leadership

If only there were someone we could turn to for leadership advice in this dark time of heedless squander and belligerence—someone who knows their way around an unjustified and morally indefensible military engagement, someone with the necessary chops to trample international law and refuse to let a little thing like “human rights” get in the way of their solemn duty to defend the American dream . . . Oh, what’s that? President George W. Bush, noted war criminal, will be hosting Masterclass next spring? For a limited time only, you can get two Masterclass memberships for the price of one! Don’t sleep on your chance to learn all about manufacturing consent for prolonged wars costing trillions of dollars! Sign up now!

Feminize This!

Unfortunately, manly men like Bush may become a thing of the past thanks to the ongoing pandemic. As Tucker Carlson reports, not only does Covid-19 “take away the life force” in some cases, it’s also “feminiz[ing] people. No one ever says that, but it’s true.”

The Botox that Broke the Camel’s Back

To Saudi Arabia now, where officials are finally cracking down on that great scourge: camels with Botox. Specifically, artificially enhanced camels competing in the nation’s annual camel beauty pageant that have been given an unfair leg up on the cutthroat competition by owners who’ve subjected them to all sorts of plastic surgery, including Botox.

Haul out the Holly, Motherfucker

Back in the United States, as we barrel toward the orgiastic commemoration of Christ’s birth—though we all know the true reasons for the season are assault rifles and ammunition—some people have gone all-out on festive advent calendars to mark our irrevocable steps toward another terrible Christmas, marking the end of another utterly bleak year. Take, for instance, this limited-edition advent calendar from Chanel, which, for a mere $825, includes all sorts of underwhelming trinkets and doodads, like a plastic mini snow globe and a dust bag for shoes. For a truly worthwhile advent calendar, merrymakers might consider this $200,000 advent calendar from Tiffany & Co., which features eighteen-karat gold bracelets ($14,000) and diamond drop earrings ($9,000). 

And Just Like That

Looking ahead to the end of life, we’re delighted to report that—at long last—the casket industry is getting disrupted. “Funerals are changing,” says visionary casketeer Josh Siegel. “The generations that are now planning funerals, your Generation X and millennials, expect to make decisions online.” These millennials don’t want the staid burials of older generations—no, they’re looking to click-and-ship their way to the afterlife; they want the “Warby Parker of caskets.” Thankfully, Titan Caskets is here, with tasteful caskets at reasonable prices starting at a mere $699.