Jason Arias
The Baffler,  May 18, 2018

Fresh Hell

The best dispatches from our grim new reality

Jason Arias
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Oh lolli lolli lolli, lollipop

Kim Kardashian West, alleged adherent to the draconian Keto Diet and possessor of a mere 111 million Instagram followers, is always out to pass along some healthy lifestyle tips, tricks, and sponsored content to her flock of wayward Insta-scrollers and diet-breakers. Just this week she touted the new thing: Appetite Suppressant Lollipops, courtesy of Flat Tummy Co. (whose website violently insists on calling all dieters-to-be “babe”). These “totally unreal,” Satiereal-containing lollies will suppress your desire for sustenance between meals, babe! And you can even snap a sexy selfie while you suck, babe! The internet was not happy! Something to do with encouraging desperate, “unhealthy” behavior to achieve the unachievable glitz and glam bod of a multimillionaire mom—which is something Kim would obviously never, ever do to us.

 

Oh, what digital foodstuffs may come

Thankfully, our future tech overlords are building out a special place in the coming hell for the starved, dieting masses: the realm of virtual food. All the self-denying Instagrammer need do is point their phone at a menu or placemat, and digitally rendered quarter pounders with cheese and other cuisine will materialize. No need to partake in the messy act of eating; you can just screenshot that #dank avocado toast and beam it straight into the content stream.

 

Let them starve and die!

Virtual food sure could save a lot of money on food stamps too, nullifying the need for one Oklahoma gubernatorial candidate’s proposal that euthanasia may be a budget-friendly solution to the “issue” of impoverished food stamp recipients. “If they can take care of themselves without Government assistance, great,” GOP candidate Christopher Barnett commented in a Facebook thread. “If not, let them starve and die. Easy as that.” Despite the truly exciting promise of such an inventive proposal, Barnett seems bashful now and has blamed the existence of the proposed scheme on “hackers.”

 

Straight to twink town!

The New York Times, that eminently thirsty grey lady, decided this week that we have just arrived in the Age of the Twink. Twinks: they can be straight! Twinks: they will combat toxic masculinity with their lithe and hairless little bodies!

 

A screaming comes across the sky

Hoping to get in on the Yanny versus Laurel fun, the U.S. Air Force tweeted this little gem: “the Taliban Forces in Farah city #Afghanistan would much rather have heard #Yanny or #Laurel than the deafening #BRRRT they got courtesy of our #A10.” The A10 is a nineteen million dollar jet that fires depleted uranium, armor-piercing shells from an autocannon into people. So sure, now-dead humans probably would have prefered to be subjected to a pointless, asinine meme than slaughtered in an imperial conflict.

 

Oh no, it’s Big Blue!

And now this: the odyssey of Big Blue, the favored blue dildo of Mountainside, New Jersey’s 2014 “Cop of the Year,” Sergeant Andrew Huber. For years Big Blue terrorized the police department of this sleepy town, appearing with frightening regularity in the office brandished by Sgt. Huber, who enjoyed waving Big Blue around and throwing it at people. But what started out as just some run-of-the-mill homoerotic camaraderie amongst officers of the law (tickling! Exposed testicles! Dildo waggling!) has now escalated into a surreal legal imbroglio, with some officers claiming that being smacked in the face by a blue dildo amounts to “harassment.” Some spoil sports even attempted to dispose of Big Blue but “notwithstanding the foregoing, Big Blue once again reappeared in the shift commander’s office,” allege the lawsuit. Cops, they sure do the darndest, vilest, most racist and homophobic things!

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