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Fresh Hell

The best dispatches from our grim new reality

Hire an “ambiance and atmosphere model” for your office holiday party.

Attractive men and women—but mostly women—are being hired in droves to pretend they’re guests at Silicon Valley holiday parties. You know, to lend an air of fun! Totally casual, contractually-obligated, well-compensated fun! We blew all our holiday party funds on pizza and booze.


“It does not even make good science.”

Over at Huffpost, a sampling of textbooks used by taxpayer-subsidized charter schools with a religious bent uncovered some paradigm-altering shit. As it turns out, Satan hatched the ideas of socialism and modern psychology to lure folks away from the Lord.


Bring back the guillotine!

Awhile back, a Houston Chronicle editorial put forth a top-dollar proposal that seems only more relevant now: eliminate the estate tax but behead the heirs of anyone passing along more than $5.5 million.


“It was around 3 a.m. I was pretty inebriated.”

A Waffle House customer and total asshat of a selfie-taker made a “Texas bacon cheesesteak melt” for himself when the only employee was discovered fast asleep. You can guess who got in trouble for this.


I would have to write 21,200 of these to make a student loan payment

Amazon’s Mechanical Turk is a real horrorshow of bottom-of-the-barrell freelance gigs for the precariously employed, but $0.01 for writing a poem is just sad.


“It’s still a niche market.”

Is your sprawling Beverly Hills estate full of overvalued art and designer furniture threatened by the Skirball Fire? Not to worry, you can have a private team of firefighters at the ready to prevent even a stray ember from scorching your lawn.