Vote here. / NASA & lettawren
David Rees,  October 26, 2016

Top 10 Reasons You Don’t Have to Read This Column About the Election

Election fatigue: Is it a scam?!

Vote here. / NASA & lettawren


10. According to a HuffPost/YouGov poll, 81 percent of Americans wish the election was over. Not wanting to read yet another column about the 2016 campaign means you are a normal American. (Of course, this assumes the poll wasn’t rigged; some of Donald Trump’s supporters might insist that the internals are D+9, which means the hidden “monster vote” has once again flown under the radar—and that those invisible voters will materialize on election day to issue a powerful rebuke to media elites who use deliberate and criminal D+n oversampling in their scheme to convince everyone that most folks wish the election was over, when in fact, everybody loves the election, and just you wait until November 8, when Americans rise up and refuse to vote, thereby sending a clear message that they’d like the election to continue unresolved for as long as possible).

9. A Pew Research Center report published yesterday reveals that only 20 percent of social-media users like seeing “lots of political posts and discussions.” Since this column counts as a political post, if you’re a social-media user, the odds are against you being happy to see it. And since you’re not happy to see it, there’s no reason to read it . . . unless it contains explosive new revelations about how John Podesta has requested oversampling of people who want the election to be over! In which case, please, please forward it to everyone you know, because we only have two weeks left and people need to know the truth about this election (i.e., that the media and the campaigns are conspiring to end it on November 8, even if we all want it to continue for another ten years)!

8. If you buy into the mainstream media narrative that this election is over on November 8, then how do you explain that Trump has only produced $56 million of the $100 million he promised to spend on his campaign? As a man of his word, Trump will definitely make good on the other $44 million; of that there can be no doubt. And since he hasn’t produced it yet, we must assume he is thinking long-term, budgeting his expenditures carefully—because he knows the silent majority of Americans (who weren’t polled about whether they want the election to be over because the media only polls at D+9 or R-6, it’s a scandal, really, I’ve always said it’s a scandal) will insist on another six months of campaigning. And that’s when Trump, whose word is his bond, will spend the remaining $44 million, an amount of money he definitely has on hand, because he is undoubtedly as wealthy as he says he is.

7. Sean Hannity

6. replied to

5. my tweet

4. about whether

3. he knew

2. kung fu . . .

1. … which renders all other political reportage meaningless.

David Rees is the author of Get Your War On and How to Sharpen Pencils. He co-hosts the Election Profit Makers podcast. 

You Might Also Enjoy


Daša Drndić

Through the closed windows enter gigantic crabs. We’re Stalin’s crabs, they say, we’re the Red Army of Stalin’s crabs, red royal crabs.

word factory

Louie and Roy

Ann Neumann

Yesterday’s twin reports on Roy Moore and Louis CK remind us that sexual assault and women’s inequality are still everyone’s problem.

word factory

Poison Ivies

Chris Lehmann

Our top institutions of higher learning run bloated endowment funds designed for higher earning—and avoiding scrutiny.

word factory

Baffler Newsletter

new email subscribers receive a digital copy of our current issue.

Further Reading

 November 10

Yesterday’s twin reports on Roy Moore and Louis CK remind us that sexual assault and women’s inequality are still everyone’s problem.

 November 8

Martin McDonagh's "Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri" finds moral complexity where it needed moral certitude.

 November 6

As the old refrain goes, at Gothamist and DNAinfo the union made us strong---not Joe Ricketts, not his money, not his decisions and certainly not his “direction.”