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Ancient Aliens

The basic premise of Ancient Aliens, which I still don’t disagree with, mind you, is that all the spiritual slash religious slash historical shit that has been happening from time immemorial has been the work of, well, ancient aliens. I suppose that sounds crazy to you, but it didn’t sound crazy to me. I don’t watch TV, but when you’re in a mental hospital, TV is hard to avoid. I’m not going to tell the whole story of how I was committed because then we’d be here for weeks. Let’s just say it involved Little Rock, a gram of cocaine, and a dude I thought was a friend. So I’m in Sacred Heart Mental Hospital on that haunted-ass island, and I’m strolling through the corridors, and what do I fucking see on one of the hundred wall-mounted TVs? Ancient Fucking Aliens. The shit’s impressive. Astronaut scientists who have, like, figured out Joan of Arc’s sword—you know the one that allowed her to fight for France? That was probably brought to her by an alien that looked like a god. All that Greek god shit? Aliens fucking with us. Hephaestus? Definitely an alien (there was a whole episode on sacred metals; I was riveted). It was my second week there, and they had just diagnosed me with bipolar disorder. 

HARK! No one knows what those dark days were like. The books are lies and the preachers frauds.

Okay, I said I would spare you the story of how I ended up in Sacred Heart, but I realize that it might actually be somewhat important. I was committed by my friends and family after I arrived in New York. I was saying crazy shit. I told them my skin was bulletproof and that I thought Obama was the Antichrist. Full-on mania, I agree. Once they got me to the hospital, I met a dude whose name was Moses who told me he’d been wandering Hell for years. Dude was mad fucked. Long ass beard, stains on his fucking shirt, the works. He was mumbling about the end of the world, which was nigh. Of course, the end of the world is always nigh, isn’t it? There’s always some maniac mumbling to himself that the entire thing is going to explode. But I digress, when I was at Sacred Heart, I started seeing really weird things; things that I remember to this day. After I saw Moses, I was placed in a dark, gray room. It was a cell, but they wouldn’t call it that. As I moved around the small new environs that I was imprisoned in, a feeling moved up in my chest, and I realized that this was a quest from my father, who often likes to test me by placing me in unruly situations. A woman who told me that she was my girlfriend came into the room. She said that everyone I knew was very worried, and that they wanted me to come to my senses and listen to the doctors. Now, I remember meeting this person before, but I couldn’t quite place her. I wanted her to know that I would be fine. So I told her to pick up a magazine that was near me, lying next to my leg. She gathered it, and I grabbed it from her hand. I told her once I left this place I was going to appear to her as any one of the innumerable celebrities that she could find in-between the covers of the magazine. She soon left, and she was replaced by a man who called himself my brother. He seemed impatient, irritated. He obviously didn’t want to be here. It was strange because he repeated the same thing the woman who was here before him said: people were worried about me. I told him what I told her, and he seemed to have a look on his face that was somewhere between disbelief and fear. He soon took his leave as well. No one came for hours after that, and I felt I was once again in the garden of Gethsemane. 

HARK! No one knows what those dark days were like. The books are lies and the preachers frauds. Knowing that I was to be betrayed by my so-called friends, I decided to take a nap. This is when the dream that became the legend happened, but I again outpace myself. There was something to all of this that I was just not understanding. Who were these people? Why were they worried about me? Why did they not let me leave this cage? I didn’t know what to do, so I sat down and prayed. As I spoke to my father, I recognized that his spirit was somewhere far away, and I understood that he had abandoned this Earth eons ago, meaning that I was surrounded by the unholy of the unholy. He had done this before, you know. Left me in Hell, I mean. He had many tricks, and he liked to fuck with his son. Everything suddenly became darker, and a demon calling herself a doctor entered my room with a demonic pigman who was ready to kill me at the first opportunity. I asked them to let me leave. They replied that this was impossible and that they were going to keep me here for as long as they could. I knew that there was only one way out. I asked for a cup of water. They brought it to me. I blessed it and then threw it at the demon doctor. Her face did not at once melt, and I realized quickly that she was made of something new. That these demons now ruled this land was obvious to me. The pigman had his arms around me quickly, and the demon doctor ran out of the room screaming. More and more pigmen appeared, and I fought them off for as long as I could before they finally injected me with a potion and strapped me to a bed. 

Ok, so when I woke up I was still pretty crazy—on my Jesus trip, but pretty sure I wasn’t dead. The first thing I noticed was that I had a roommate, can you believe that? Why would you throw two crazy people together in one room; wouldn’t they simply drive each other insane? It didn’t matter to me because I was coming off being Jesus, whom, if you haven’t embodied before, I want to tell you is a very, very good feeling. I don’t know how much time passed, but I soon found myself talking to someone who called himself a psychiatrist, and I think his name was Richard. He seemed to take what I was saying quite seriously, and, for once, I wasn’t being called insane for merely speaking what I knew to be the truth (or, at least, what I thought I knew at the time). I probably told him that I was on a mission from the government, and, in fact, I still believe I am, but it’s different than what I first proposed, you see. There are people like me who are called upon to do certain tasks. I fought the call for as long as I could, but now, I’m determined to go forth and make what needs to happen happen. Now, at this point, I was merely confused, and I needed guidance. Initially, I thought Richard was going to guide me, and that should tell you how goddamn confused I was at this point. I now realize that Richard is one of their agents, you see? They are multifarious and they surround us, batting us in at every point. However, at some moments, we’ll make a truce, and for some reason, while we were there in that room, Richard and I decided that we would let the war continue. I told him that it was incredibly important to get me out of the hospital, but I told him this as Jesus, so I don’t know how seriously he took it. No one ever listens to prophets. 

So after Richard took his leave, I sat next to this dude Sammy who was there because he was drunk during surgery, and I just watched TV. That’s when I realized that I was on the wrong path, which is how I got into the aliens. Man, let me tell you something about aliens man, they’re fucking everywhere. I don’t know how long it’s been, but they’ve been here for a while. Obviously, all the politicians are aliens. Have you looked at Senator McRoe lately? Same goes for celebrities. They all used to hide it better, but now that we’re in the year of our lord 2017 (it’s fake), they’ve decided to just let it all out. See, Ancient Aliens is reality TV. They hedge everything obviously because they can’t just let out the whole truth. Aliens are here, they’ve been here, and they’re in control. Dude, when I realized this I wanted to slap somebody. Weapons of war that led to the deaths of thousands were manufactured by these . . . wait, someone’s knocking on the door, no it’s the radiator. Sorry, where was I, I’ve been writing this as quickly as possible because I think someone is stealing my notes, and as soon as I’m done I’ll have to leave this room. But yes, I’m sitting here listening to these Ancient Alien Astronomers talk about how King Arthur’s sword was brought here by alien spacecraft. The man ruled Camelot or whatever because he had extraterrestrial help. It made perfect sense. I was so jazzed about it that when the woman who said she was my girlfriend came to visit, I told her all about it. She wasn’t too pleased; she kept on asking me if I was okay, which I was. I meant to tell the truth, I didn’t really trust that hospital, and I didn’t trust that they knew what to do with me there. Of course, I didn’t spend much time there, and as soon as they could they threw me out. 

Home made me feel complacent. I went a week without thinking about the aliens at all. I sat with Shelly, we ate breakfast, lunch, and dinner together. I couldn’t concentrate on much, but we laughed and talked a lot. But then I got this message from this number I didn’t recognize which read, “if u can talk, i can help.”

“help with what?” I texted back.

“with the symbols you see,” the number texted again. 

That made me curious because I had already begun to notice the odd glances and was already beginning to be filled with despair that the life I was living was merely an illusion and that I was not living in an apartment with a woman who was my girlfriend but that I was trapped in a very advanced alien ruse. If you had asked me that then, I wouldn’t have said those exact words, and maybe I would have approached it differently, made it about the hospital and aftercare or something. This opening text led to an exchange that was immensely valuable. The person I was talking to had a site called If you ever want to know the advanced secrets of the Anunnaki, I suggest you go there. The basic thing is that the aliens I’m talking about are billions of years old, and they’ve both hurt and helped us at different points of time. According to the person texting me, they didn’t like it when you found out their plan because they had come to count on our ignorance for the last millennia. Shelly started to be scared around me again, and I spent all of my waking hours in front of my computer talking to this person who called himself Yut. I would Skype with him daily, and he would speak to me in a gravelly voice wearing a hat that was somewhere between a kippah and a kufi, taking hits from a hookah pipe and blowing the smoke into the screen; he was wreathed in it, obviously he was a mystic of some kind. Shelly would ask me again and again, “Why do you keep talking to that weird old dude?” In her reality, there was no question that it wasn’t the best use of my time, but that reality was already so far away from me; it was utterly nonsensical.

It was Yut who first got me into fasting. In Yut’s eyes, eating was exploitative. It was actually really insightful what he said because it came from a belief that to profit off another person’s labor in our system was evil, and that the only way to get through it was to simply cut oneself off. Maybe it doesn’t make as much sense when I say it, but if you heard him, you’d stop eating too. I also began to wire him somewhat substantial sums of money so he could better teach me the ways of the Anunnaki. 

You got to understand that these fuckers are really, really powerful, and there would be moments where I would wonder if even Yut (can you believe it?) was an Anunnaki. He would reassure me in our sessions, explaining to me that an Anunnaki would never reveal so much, which was true. I think it was August when we started talking about going to Giza. Shelly was pretty much dead set against the trip as soon as I began talking about it; of course, we weren’t really talking much at the time, and I began to wonder if there wasn’t something else going on. The Anunnaki have spies everywhere, you know? If you accept they would stop anyone who understood what was going on, then why wouldn’t they think about messing with me or fucking with my drinks? So yeah, I was only drinking out of water bottles and pouring out anything Shelly was giving me; this made her sad/angry. She talked about leaving at some point, and I couldn’t figure out what she meant by that because none of us can really leave this trap world they’ve created for us. They’ve made sure that all the exits are closed; the doors are shut. This is why I had to go immediately! If we could get to Giza, then we could talk to others there about closing the portal they had and allow some light in this place. I was ready to live free, and I was ready to pay the people Yut knew there. I talked to Yut and he told me that the people there were willing to lower their price from $5,000 to $2,500 in order to guide us around Egypt, and when I told Shelly this she seemed bemused. It felt like she didn’t know what to say anymore. 

I had maxed out my credit cards, but I had enough savings left for the donation and a ticket to Egypt. Yut said he couldn’t come because of some bad dealings with the Anunnaki before, and he didn’t want to leave Bay Ridge. I guess this should have worried me, but I wasn’t concerned about any of that. I realized that I needed to get to Giza before the Anunnaki got wind of what we were doing, so I bought the first ticket out of New York to Egypt. LaGuardia was filled with Anunnaki, so I brought sunglasses to hide my face. Yut said they can do this thing where, if they give you one look, they can surround you and steal your personality and soul entirely, and, often, they’ll get cops to accuse you of something crazy, and since they run the legal system, you’ll be put in prison for many years. Yut made it clear that the Anunnaki were the reason mass incarceration exists. This was personal for Yut, who couldn’t leave the country due to trumped-up charges of tax fraud—I couldn’t believe they had ensnared him like that, but thankfully his Egyptian connects were solid. The cops didn’t seem interested in me, and though I was surrounded by Anunnaki, I still made it to my gate in time. The flight itself was peaceful, and I was tranquil knowing that if I died on this task, I had done it for the good of humankind.

Once we touched down in Abu Dhabi, I didn’t talk to anyone. I simply wandered the extravagant airport, tutting my head at all the shit the Anunnaki were ready to sell us. When I connected to the internet, I saw that there were twenty messages from concerned people in my life questioning why I was undertaking this trip. A majority of them were from Shelly, who at this point was unfortunately an agent of the Anunnaki. After glancing at them, I walked back to my seat at my gate and fell asleep. 

I was then brought to the spaceship of the Anunnaki, and a globular princess slithered forward. I put on a visor (you can’t look at them directly—your eyes will burn up) and I tried to move away because I did not want to be caught up in her rays.

“The quest you have undertaken will destroy us,” she said to me. “Continuing this way is madness and it will overtake you.” 

“I must do as my father commands,” I said. “You cannot rule the earth the way you have, and I will make it impossible for your dirty work to continue.” 

A flashing light appeared, and I was placed into a scene that looked like a room in my old apartment. I saw Shelly and my brother engaged in violent copulation (as I had always assumed they would), and I was angered yet resigned. As they moved in each other’s arms I saw that they were growing the feelers of the Anunnaki, and that they had always been Anunnaki. It was so obvious; the Anunnaki had no morality. They were here to destroy us, and they had worn the masks of my closest relatives and family members. When they finished, they began to spit gobs of red sputum on the floor, and I could see that in the saliva was eggs. They laid their eggs everywhere in my apartment. Aha, I thought, no wonder it was impossible for me to think straight for the past year. I cannot ever believe that I fell for their ruse. I laughed to myself, stunned at what my father had allowed me to go through. He was a man impossible to please and that I could never find. If I had to stay on this earth, that was simply my burden. It was all that I could do to not want to find the highest building and jump. 

When I woke up, I saw three men standing around me. I assumed that they were the police, but then I saw they were all wearing the same hats as Yut; one was tall, one was fat, and one was thin. I bowed to them, and they bowed back. 

“Brother, do you have the offering?” asked the most rotund of the three. The other two looked on in anticipation. 

“Of course,” I said, bringing out the five hundred dollars I had promised and laying it out in my hands. The men looked at the money for a moment and finally the tallest one bent down and plucked it from my fingers. 

“Now we will take you to the portal,” said the thin man. They began to walk away, and I followed them. They walked quickly, and I found it hard to keep up. I wondered if they were trying to lose me, and I quickly got rid of that dishonest thought. Yut would never lead me wrong. As we walked, I realized that we were going to the exit of the airport.

“I thought that the portal was in Giza,” I said, halting for a moment. The three didn’t pause, and I kept following them. Suddenly, they split up and hurried in three different directions. I had no idea how to interpret this, and I kept running after the fat man, hoping that he would be the slowest. Not only was he not slow, but he was incredibly agile; he would run from place to place, diving into a shop for a second, only to run back out. It was only a few minutes before I completely lost track of him. I was fairly worried now. I continued to amble on slowly, and I could feel the piercing rays of the Anunnaki slowly weakening me. I called Yut on Whatsapp because I need guidance. 

“Yut, your friends left with the offering,” I said. 

“Give them time and . . . drink . . . the . . . embrace,” Yut rasped. His voice was distorted, and it was hard to make out what he was saying. 

“What do you mean?” I asked. “They’ve left with all the money, and I don’t know how I will get to the portal in Giza.”

“Live . . . England . . . time . . . again,” Yut said. Or at least, I think that’s what he said, he may have said, “Live in good time again.” It didn’t matter; the call dropped, and I was back on my own, wandering this strange airport. I didn’t know if I’d ever be able to make it to the portal, and I knew that without money I would arouse attention if I begged outside of the airport once I arrived in Giza. So I kneeled, and I began to pray. 

They were here to destroy us, and they had worn the masks of my closest relatives and family members.

“Holiest of holies, the one true king, bring to me the attention I need in this moment,” I cried. Then I felt myself lifted, and my feet were in the air. I was levitating; they were bringing me to the portal. On both sides of my body, two men had grabbed hold of me, and a third man held my legs. They carried me through the airport/portal, and I realized that I needed to go with them. I looked closely and I realized their feelers had been cut off; these were the renouncers of the Anunnaki. They had taken the guise of security agents, and they were taking me out of the airport. They placed me outside the gates, and they told me not to come back in. Suddenly, I screamed, “Guz, guz guz guz guz guz,” and I whirled my head forwards and backwards, and I spit three times on the floor. I ran out into the street, looked back, and saw that the airport had disappeared completely. I turned my head around to see Yut walking toward me; he immediately hugged me. I realized that we had defeated the Anunnaki once and for all. We both looked at the ground, which was covered with dust, and we knew what we had to do. We took the dust, put it on our faces, spread it across our mouths, and threw it in the air. Yut evaporated, and I stood there alone, covered in dust. The airport reemerged, and I was outside of it—handcuffed in a security van. We had defeated them in the world outside the world, you see? The actual world. But they still controlled ours, and they finally got me for good. As the van rolled away, I saw the three holy men outside the airport. They were hawking purses.