Jason Arias
The Baffler,  July 19

Fresh Hell

The best dispatches from our grim new reality

Jason Arias
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Me Against the World

Jerry Foxhoven, the seemingly mild mannered, sixty-six-year-old director of Iowa’s Department of Human Services, was forced to resign from his post this week in part because of an inspirational email sent days before Father’s Day to some 4,300 employees encouraging them to commemorate Tupac’s then-looming birthday by bumping a deep cut. He included some sage advice from the deceased rapper: “Pay no mind to those who talk behind your back, it simply means that you are 2 steps ahead.” Foxhoven was asked to resign the following work day, as Governor Kim Reynolds hoped to take the department-cum-Tupac-fan-club in “a different direction.” 

 

Goodwill Job Hunting 

Blaming Illinois’s unconscionable decision to raise the minimum wage to $15 by 2025, the CEO of a branch of Goodwill chains operating in the state moved to fire a crop of disabled workers employed under a vocational program, who she only hired in the first place out of the goodness of her heart—despite the constant threat their inefficient ways posed to the bottom line. (Ms. Sharon Durbin—who made $164,849 last year—however, had a change of heart after facing near universal condemnation.)

 

Not My Agency! 

Megan McCain, professional and well-compensated victim, is terribly torn up about President Trump’s ongoing, racist harassment of congresswoman Ilhan Omar—which not only spoiled her family dinner but is “taking away [her] agency to criticize her policy.

 

We Didn’t Start the Fire 

While a brain-scrambling heat wave cooked the United States from sea to boiling sea, Jeff Bezos, no-doubt misty-eyed about the fiftieth anniversary of the moon landing, doubled down on his passion for dedicating his billions to exploring space because, quoth the bald scuzzball himself, “We are in the process of destroying this planet.” The prophecy is true: one day, the meek shall inherit the Earth—after Bezos is done torching it. 

 

The Sex Lives of Others 

While what is sure to be the hottest month ever recorded slouches toward its fiery conclusion, let this haunt your fever dreams: the sex life of Alan Dershowitz—one-time lawyer for child rapist Jeffrey Epstein—which he assured Fox News viewers is “perfect, perfect.” 

 

Smartwatch That Man!

The super-chill, not-at-all totalitarian local government of Guangzhou, China has handed out free smart watches to some 17,000 elementary students in a test-run of a fun new program that beams each kiddo’s location to their parents—and most certainly is not part of a mass surveillance campaign!

 

God Fuck The Queen

The Queen of England—that inimitably stilted hoarder of wealth, ever-so-fond of throwing symbolic subtle with her stolen jewels—is hiring an “ambitious” experienced chef for Buckingham Palace, willing to work long hours at any number of far-flung royal residences. The salary? $27,623.

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