Jason Arias
The Baffler,  August 2

Fresh Hell

The best dispatches from our grim new reality

Jason Arias
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Bend It Like Pitbull 

While it may be too late to torture your body into the appropriate shape for the beach this summer, it’s never too early to commence the ritual misery of working out for next summer—perhaps at GRIT BXNG, a new gym opening this month in Manhattan that is awash in CBD and cryptocurrency and where you will be able to partake in a “3 modality” workout and immersive digital experiences whilst imbibing pearls of motivational wisdom from the likes of DJ Khaled and Pitbull, who is one of the gym’s owners. After your workout, consider dropping by the onsite boutique to pick up a pair of Swarovski-encrusted boxing gloves, or recharge at the GRIT bar with a CBD-infused martini or “Dr. Mushroom’s Gazpacho Soup with CBD.” 

 

Bang Pop! 

Yet another ghastly tale has risen from the macabre muck of the Biological Resource Center in sunny Arizona—where the FBI discovered coolers of male genitals, bodies hacked to bits with band saws, and a woman’s head sewn onto a male torso in a 2014 raid. Jim Stauffer donated his mother’s body to the facility after her death in 2013 at the age of seventy-four with the intention of furthering Alzheimer’s research; he was shocked to discover that the body was in fact sold to the Army, which strapped his mother to a chair and then detonated her to test the impact of roadside bombs. Stauffer is not alone: some twenty other bodies were sold without consent by the BRC to the Army for blast experiments for about $5,893 a pop. 

 

Ship to: 1234 Birthday Lane

Proving that humanity is a glutton for punishment, hopelessly bedazzled by that which will inevitably spell our collective doom, a North Carolina man surprised his wife on her birthday with a cake decorated to look like an Amazon package. Gushing to NBC’s Today, the wife noted, “As soon as I saw the cake, I was like, ‘He gets me.’”

 

Dolly Dearest 

The Inghams, an entirely run-of-the-mill American family that bonds over producing content for their 1.2 million YouTube followers, have announced something very special to commemorate the birth of their latest child, Jace: a disturbingly lifelike replica doll of the newborn (with “soft-touch skin”!). Don’t sleep on this chance to own a limited-edition, handmade facsimile of a stranger’s child, as owners of Baby Jace will even be invited to attend Baby Jace Tea Parties (where they will get to meet the Ingham family!). 

 

Attack of The Baby Shark Doo Doo Doo Doo Doo Doo

As the homelessness crisis continues to worsen across the United States, one Florida city has adopted an ingenious tactic to drive the unhoused from their pristine waterfront: blasting the ear-splitting kid-tune “Baby Shark”—and other chart-topping hell anthems—all through the night. 

 

School Shopping at Tiffany’s

Back to school shopping? Consider this 18-karat gold paperclip bookmark from Tiffany’s for $1,500. 

 

Superyachts But Sustainable 

Thankfully, the jet-setting, parasitic elite are expressing concern about the detrimental impact on the planet their hulking superyachts may be having. According to the founder of one superyacht design firm, “Today’s superyacht owners are younger, and more in tune with the climate crisis around us, and therefore either request, or are open to, innovative, sustainable yacht design.” That solves it, pack it in Extinction Rebellion! 

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