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All Hail the Shutdown Circle Jerk

On Monday at midnight, funding for the federal government is set to expire. As they stand now, here are each party’s negotiating postures: the Republicans, who control the House of Representatives, insist they will not fund the government so long as the new health care reform law is funded. The other party, the Democrats, who control the Senate and the White House, want a “clean” bill that would fund all of the federal government, including the health care law. Will they reach an accord? Probably so, right around 11:59 p.m. this coming Monday. And if they do, what a shame that will be.

This country needs a lot of things, but for now, a li’l government shutdown action is the closest thing we’re going to have to a panacea. It would hopefully—”hopefully” we say, ha ha, like idiots—give the eighty or so conservatives representatives that have been sent to Washington from Inverse America the opportunity to show how “tuff” they can be to the angry voters back home. The “break” would also allow the “suicide caucus” some time to calm the fuck down. Unfortunately for them, the shutdown would probably destroy their party in the process. (Although, who knows, maybe it would just be “one bad news cycle.”)

Letting these jokers have their mental health shutdown now would hopefully (again with the “hopefully”) give them some time to see reason and raise the debt ceiling. The fact is not agreeing to raise this roof would result in a more severe blow to the current trend of (painfully slow) economic growth, much worse than any similar blow administered in a government shutdown. It is frightening to think that even after the 2011 debt ceiling debacle, there are several members of Congress who still believe that refusing to pay public creditors, without any legitimate reason, would be a terrible, terrible decision. But perhaps, if they get nothing out of this current government funding brouhaha, this group of lawmakers will have some time to reconsider leading the country into a partial default in mid-October, when America’s borrowing authority is set to reach its limit. Consider this Fleming fellow.

“Economists, what have they been doing? They make all sorts of predictions,” said Representative John Fleming, Republican of Louisiana. “Many times they’re wrong, so I don’t think we should run government based on economists’ predictions.”

Now, the Baffler Global Enterprises Inc. has had its criticisms of various prevailing economic consensuses over the past twenty years, which may have proven misguided. Economists— whatever, screw them. However, pretty much everyone who has a basic understanding of anything, economists included, knows that if the “one sure thing” in the economy, the U.S. treasuries, go under then we’ll really have problems. There’d be a flight from the dollar, and even if immediately resolved, a risk premium on treasuries, and therefore everything that’s anchored on treasuries, would remain in place for some time. Not worth it.

So let the House Republicans blow their obstructive legislative load this week. (Yes, we’re speaking in gross sexual metaphors, but only because what you’re seeing in American politics right now is the greatest collective buildup of misplaced middle-aged male sexual frustration seen in modern times.) Let the government shut down if that’s what they need to relax and get back to work.

If the 1990s are any indication, the government will shut down for couple weeks, tops, but then the public will stop getting services and Social Security checks, and they’ll holler for lawmakers to get back to Washington and get back to work. And then it’ll all be over. Congress could make it back, tanned and relaxed, just in time to fund the government and lift the debt ceiling in no time at all.

But what of the federal workers who would have to go without pay for a couple of weeks? That’s a serious concern with a simple answer: Congress would approve retroactive pay, as it did following the ’90s shutdowns. Hopefully.

In the meantime, federal workers should think of what fun things they’d like to do during their imposed two week vacation!

I’m a freelance writer, meaning I don’t like to work very hard. Maybe I write a thing in the morning, but then I go do fun stuff. For example, sometimes I make like President Barack Obama and I play golf in the middle of the day, on a weekday. It’s great fun. There’s a public course right across the Potomac, twenty-seven dollars for eighteen holes. That’s a hot deal, there.

What about reading a book? I’m reading Thomas Pynchon’s new book right now. It’s something about the dot coms doing 9/11. I have no idea. We’ll see. I love it.

Wouldn’t federal workers enjoy reading this, or any other book? Or playing golf? Or getting drunk? Or staring at the wall? Doing headstands? Or seeing their families? (Okay, definitely not seeing their families.) Wouldn’t federal workers like to do anything at all instead of working–especially if they then get paid afterward as if they were working?

Waking up to a government shutdown Tuesday morning would be a fantastic thing for the country right now. An irresponsible thing? Yes. A completely fucked up thing? Absolutely, but, perhaps, it will purge the system of brinksmanship. It will enable the debt ceiling, the real looming terror, to be raised. It will give federal workers some leisure time. It will allow humanity to move on to bigger and greater things.

Hopefully. Probably not. But . . . hopefully?