Tales from the Health Care Exchanges

According to media reports, since the October 1 launch of the Affordable Care Act’s insurance exchanges, if you try to sign up for insurance through the HealthCare.gov website, your computer is likely to spontaneously combust out of sheer frustration. In the weeks leading up to the launch, president Barack Obama warned that there would be some initial glitches. Events thus far have proven that the president, in this case, is a man of his word. 

“Nobody’s madder than me about the website not working as well as it should, which means it’s going to get fixed,” Obama said Monday morning in a statement at the White House Rose Garden meant to address concerns about how his goddamn government website doesn’t work. There’s no “sugarcoating” the problems, he added, noting that he’s brought in a phalanx of tech nerds to use their nerd magic to fix everything, and then everyone will have health care. Huzzah.

A lil’ health care action would suit this author pretty well right about now. I am a “freelance writer,” a direct synonym for “someone who doesn’t have health insurance.” I am also one of those “healthy” twenty-eight-year-olds who thinks Nothing Bad Will Ever Happen To Me. Sure, my teeth are rotting. And what is that wheezing death rumble that anyone within a half-mile radius can hear every time I breathe? It might have something to do with the liter bottle of 100 percent corn syrup poured over cigarette ash that I have for breakfast, lunch, dinner, and after-midnight feast. Whatever, I’m in my twenties. Like Fame, I’m gonna live forever!

But it’s almost January 1, 2014, and Obama is requiring me to sign up for the death panels. So I finally gave these exchanges a chance. Here’s my story.

I live in Washington, D.C., so D.C. Health Link is my site.

The state-and-D.C.-run exchange sites are not supposed to be as comically shitty as HealthCare.gov, the site operated by the federal government for people in states that don’t have state-run sites. And, sure enough, I was able to sign up for a D.C. Health Link account without any problems.

I’m just buying as an individual with no dependents, so filling out the basic information is fairly uncomplicated. I got as far as filling out my income and sending an application to see if I qualify for either Medicaid or subsidies, which could take a matter of weeks to process. Waiting is a pain and may lead people who have no impulse control or understanding of money (me!) to just purchase a plan right now without subsidies, especially since getting Medicaid/subsidies requires income verification, which for a freelance writer is a bit of a . . . mess . . . ugh . . . Anyway, moving on!

Today, my main criterion for purchasing health insurance is “whatever is cheap.” I don’t necessarily care what’s included, which is a good thing if you’re trying to purchase a plan, since it’s really unclear from the site what you’re buying. All I know is that if you’re between the ages of nineteen and thirty, you’re eligible for a “catastrophic plan” that basically only covers incidents involving twenty broken limbs or four simultaneous cancers. And that plan is only 74 dollars per month. The cheapest not-totally-bullshit plans were more like $130 or so per month.

I was about to sign up for the 74 dollar plan (because, again, 74 dollars) when a distressing image of my mother fainting when I told her which plan I purchased flashed across my mind. So, I put a $130 plan into my cart instead, then I threw in a 25 dollar dental plan, and was prepared to purchase it without subsidies just to get this horrible process over with. I clicked the “enroll” button, and the website froze. Phew! I sure didn’t want to spend any money today.

The Baffler web editor Neda Semnani, who seems like more of a responsible adult than me, also has been having some trouble with the webpage-freezing thing. Here is her tragic story:

October 1: Bound out of bed ready to enroll! Find out that D.C.’s site is down because of web traffic for most of the day. I finally make an account, but can’t start the application process. Womp, womp.

No big deal! I’ll try again!

Sometime during week two of D.C. Health Link, I try again and can log in to the site, but cannot seem to apply for or see the plans. Womp, womp, womp.

No big deal! Websites are hard! I’ll try again in a few days.

Oct. 21: I log in to D.C. Health Link (!!!). I apply for eligibility — takes about half an hour. I have to log out and then log back in for the little “I agree” checkboxes to work. Almost throw my computer against the bar, but wait! It works!! I see plans!!!

Feeling good. Getting excited to compare each plan, except . . . Wait, there is no information. Womp, womp, womp.

Crap. The hell have I signed up for? Oh, wait, screen froze when I got to the dental plans. Had to re-log in.

This time around everything is going faster! Except that now a single-payer option is looking better and better, since I am actually clicking on each plan to read what I get after I give the companies money. Okay. This is hard. Switching to the provider sites.

Nope. Those are confusing, too. Going back to D.C. Health Link . . . three weeks and one hour later, still no health care.

I want single-payer goddammit. I shouldn’t be trusted with this.

Single-payer is the one where you just pay a little more in taxes and then show up to the doctor for whatever, right? Yeah, let’s do that instead.