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Presenting: The Baffler SAT

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is there an app for this
Isn’t there an app for this/Liftarn

The College Board has announced that it’s making big changes to the SAT. By eliminating it altogether, for the sake of humanity and higher education, you ask? Sadly, no. By simply scoring the exam on a curve, based on everyone’s parents’ net worth? No, that would probably be a bad move, PR-wise.

The biggest change the Board is making to the test is reverting its total score back to 1600 from 2400, to keep it old school—vintage, like the kids like. Other significant changes include “ending the longstanding penalty for guessing wrong, cutting obscure vocabulary words and making the essay optional,” as the New York Times reports. It’s pretty hard to grade essays digitally, so eliminating that part cuts down on labor costs. Phew! Because really, who’s going to do an “optional” essay? Nerds, mostly.

 

Then there’s the math section, which the new test will narrow to “three core areas: understanding how to use ratios, percentages and proportions; linear equations under the heading ‘Heart of Algebra’; and a section devoted to more complex equations or functions related to calculus,” says USA Today. Ratios, percentages, and proportions are good to keep in there—those will all help you juggle various loads of debt later in life (as in, the first year of college and beyond). Algebra, though? Who needs it?

No, this doesn’t quite cut it, College Board. If the aim is to more closely align the SAT with real-world skills, then we’re going to need a better revamp than this. The New Baffler SAT will measure students’ real-world-readiness by focusing on only one skill: their ability to bullshit. How about:

• Buzzword analogies. They don’t have to make sense. But they will require the student to come up with a solid enough buzzword that the scorer doesn’t know they don’t make sense. For example.

Pig : pork :: Computer: _____

What does this mean? How do you answer something like this? (DATA?) If this were on the Baffler SAT, the choices would be “thinkfluence,” “disruption economy,” “e-mocracy,” or “Porn 2.0.” Take your pick, or fill in the blank with anything you like. Every answer is right, as long as it doesn’t make any sense at all.

• Personal branding statement. This is what used to be called the “essay section.” Don’t tell us about yourself. Tell us how you’d sell yourself in the marketplace of society. What sort of music do like? What online petitions do you sign? What color schemes work for you? How do you feel about irony/God? Why do you think these things qualify you for an entry-level typist position?

• Twitter-based reading comprehension. You don’t “know” much about the world. It’s okay, you’re young. You’ll build up some expertise in certain areas as your educational experience gets more specialized . . . if you’re a sucker! The truth is, you don’t need to “know” or “learn” anything about anything anymore. Those are #inefficiencies. What you do need to do is be able to read five to ten illiterate tweets from your idiot friends about, say, Ukraine, and then be able to write a Medium post about Ukraine, quickly and wittily, without knowing what the hell you’re talking about.

These are just some ideas. How would #you #innovate the #SAT?